Helping Children Through The Moving Process

In September of 2011, we got rid of our moving boxes.  We have moved enough over the years.  Life as a pastor has moved us from Florida to Canada, from Canada to Kansas, from Kansas to Tennessee and from Tennessee to Missouri.

Frankly we were all tired of it, so the boxes went away.  Then God interrupts with some direction that we were not expecting to a place we never would have imagined- back to Florida, to Teen Missions International where our life in ministry began back in 1986.  There's too many stories in there to recount right here, so let me just hit on where that leaves us today.

Moving with seven children at home and a full house with a basement is going to be a bit of a challenge.  Most importantly, though, is the challenge of keeping all of our children intact while moving.

It's hard enough to get emotionally ready for a change of this magnitude-again; but it can be even harder for our children to process all of this.

How do we help our children through this kind of change?

I have always been of the philosophy that we should approach things with our kids openly and honestly.  Sometimes that's harder than others, but moving is pretty straight forward.  Here are some guidelines that we will use to help them manage the days ahead, as well as other situations in life:

*Tell them the truth in ways that they can handle.
*Acknowledge issues that they express trouble handling.
*Counsel them on the truths of life that may be disappointing but still must happen.
*Show them in every way possible that we will be by their side to handle the 
       adjustments.
*Pray that God will help them see the opportunities ahead.

Life is not always easy, but we don't have to go it alone.  Being able to deal with the truth of situations will certainly make us stronger for more of life's hardships.  Helping our children honestly and with compassion will see them through the difficulties and prepare them for life ahead.

One Flies The Nest

Years ago when I left home my father looked into my eyes, that were just plain filled with excitement for the adventure of a life away from home, and said "you will never know what it's like for me until your children leave home."

Whatever! I was ready for the world. I was invincible . . . I was naive.

A week ago we took our oldest to the Nashville airport for 6 months with YWAM. He is ready for the world. He is invincible. I am now feeling the emotion behind the words that my father spoke to me over two decades ago.

It's good to let go . . . right? "That's what we raise them for," is what my wife just comforted a friend with as she dropped her daughter off at college yesterday. Why, then, does it have such a helplessness to it?

It is what it is. He is a smart and prepared person, even if he doesn't write home enough.

I have to do this six more times!?

Teenagers and Driving

Sometimes teens will really surprise you.

We were getting some driving experience as my son prepares to get his license in Tennessee. The hills and hollows and very narrow roads here can make that task just a bit unnerving!

Anyway, we headed up into the hills, trying to avoid the white lines that are the last defense against the deep hollows below. Swerving left and right, we climb the steep banks up and over the hills.

After twenty or so miles, that would not be suitable for the weak stomach, we decide to head over to the school parking lot for some backing up practice. I get out of the car to see if he can back into the space without touching a line. It's fun being the strict referee.

My eyes bug out as he backs the van into the space (doing it very well I might add). On the back bumper there's a jar of BB's that the kids were using in the back yard. It got left there and it survived the twisting and the turning and the ups and downs of over twenty miles!

I applauded my son's cautious driving, telling him that he's going to do just fine. On the way home I was thinking of all the things that an event like that could mean in life.

Put a comment below on how you would relate that to life?

Keeping Up Morale In Your Family

It seems that many families that I know are in some kind of adjustment. Financial conditions, moving, graduates leaving home for college, new babies and changes in job situations force us to adjust. Change is usually painful in one way or another. How do we as parents cope? How do we help our children keep encouraged along the way, too?

*Keep perspective- Life is not only where you are today, but it is going somewhere. I can be patient through difficult times if I know we are working towards the better. Chemotherapy taught me that.

*Keep plugging at it- Discouragement can easily cause us to change quit, and in some things there needs to be a weighing out of the results. How often though do we quit when success was just around the corner?

*Keep remembering- God knows and cares about everything we are involved in. We can give to Him the burden of our circumstances, and find peace in the realization that we belong to Him and He will see us through. Trust in Him. He will direct your path. Even if you cannot see it God is working.

*Keep showing it- Our kids are not only suffering at their level, but their watching you for lessons on how to deal with it. Show them that our joy is not determined by our circumstances. There are gifts from God that are great blessings. Be joyful in trials. Be real. Talk of faith in God and back it up in your conversations and in your outlook.

*Keep celebrating- Past victories make great songs for the present trial. Look at the psalms. many of them are reminders of God's faithfulness through the past. They are encouragement for the present.

So as a parent lead the way in pointing out the good, having fun and creating good memories out of the hard situation. Remember, the current difficulty will be a opportunity to thank God in the future.

Keep looking up!

Handling the Stressful Days in Your Family

So, we are about to do one of the most stressful things that a family can do- move.

Since I know that is coming what should I do to prevent exploding when I get frustrated?

Here is my plan:

* Travel to some remote cabin, and have my wife call me when it's over
(just kidding), but it does sound good!

Really now:

* Try to prevent adding to the stress by listing details that need accomplished.

* Build in some fun, unwinding time

* Keep each relationship close and meaningful

* Keep everything in perspective

* Listen to my wife's needs along the way and meet them best that I can

We do need to pay special attention to our relationships in times where we know stress will be a factor. If we don't stuff just builds up and we might say things that we don't mean and then you have a mess in your relationships as well as trying to move.

Leave a comment with other ways that you can think of to help me make the best in a stressful situation worse.

Wii Have Finally Done It!

Unbelievable. Inconceivable. Could it be? Yes, the Ayers family has broken the "family entertainment" barrier. What happened?

Wii have entered the digital world of game systems that allows you to become a pro bowler, golfer, baseball player, tennis star or whatever else a $20-$100 game will buy.

What Wii have also discovered is that these game systems make great teaching tools for children (well, for me too). Wii have discussed patience, taking turns, sharing, taking care of expensive things and wasting time in life.

Wii have had some great fun together and wii are learning some valuable lessons.

If you can guess from the hidden clues in this post which game system wii bought, I will send you a free mp3 audio that talks about three really important ingredients to your family life.

Email your answer to me, and I will get that audio to you.

"Daddy, why do you kiss mommy in front of us kids?"

Ok, so I like to kiss my wife. That's normal, isn't it? Well, it is for me. When should I be aloud to kiss her- when no one is around, especially the kids?

You have probably heard older people talk of the older days when men and women did not express outward displays of affection in public. It just wasn't right. While I'll agree that some things that I have seen people do in public was not appropriate, I believe that there is a link to good parenting that we capitalize on here.

Kids pick up on almost everything, don't they? Maybe not the things that we try hard to teach them, but in everyday interactions they seem to find meaning in what they see. Only a few months ago, the same daughter that asked why we kiss in front of the kids, asked if we were getting a divorce. That was never said in the conversation between me and my wife, but she sensed the tension in our conversation.

Anyway, why do I kiss my wife in front of my children?

I want them to know that I love her. I tell her that I love her in front of them too. I tell them that I love them too. I kiss them too. It's kind of like helping them to associate actions that go with love. If there is disrespect, I quickly point out that that is not what we do if we love someone. If I act disrespectful toward them, the I show them the way of sorrow for wrongs done and seeking forgiveness.

I also want both the boys and they girls to see healthy ways to act for the days in which they will find a spouse. Relationships are not all business. They are playful, fun, work and planning. They need to see and understand all these things, so they have a map to follow in their future.

A few times, a couple of our children have said, "You love mommy don't you?" That is something they observed. That is something they learned. That is why I kiss my wife in front of the children. Well..........sometimes it's I just can't wait for later when we are alone!

A Family Response To Crisis

The economic crisis deepens. How are you affected? A better question is how are you responding?

In the last few months there have been stories of extremes in the U.S.

One family found shot to death before which the father had faxed a TV station saying, "...my wife felt it better to end our lives; and why leave our children in someone else's hands ... we have no job and 5 children under 8 years with no place to go. So here we are." -CNN's Stan Wilson, Ashley Broughton and Paul Vercammen contributed to this report; Wed January 28, 2009


How sad can it get? How hopeless?

Does it have to be like that? On the other hand, I saw a report of a family with five children, and a mom who lost her job. Their response was to take in their friends and neighbors who were struggling financially. They had received similar help when they were in need different times, and now they want to give back.

I am not going to pretend to have the answers to every situation. I am broken over the thought that parents would feel so desperate as to take their own lives as well as the lives of their children. Let's learn to find purpose and hope in times that get desperate. Let's not give up. Every struggle is an opportunity to prove the faithfulness of God. Every action and reaction is a lesson for our children to experience with us.

Thoughtfully,
Bryan

Toddlers and Tantrums

A regular day of parenting can be filled with joy, peace, satisfaction, and fulfillment; or screaming, tantrums, yelling, and fight for control, or all the above. Wow, your poor kids have to put up with a lot! No, we know it’s always the children who get out of control, right?

Boy #1 comes up from the basement with the coolest wooden toy gun in our house. Not long after boy #2 strolls from the bedroom after a really good nap. Boy #2 sees toy gun and must think, “I deserve that toy gun.” The fight is on…

I have learned a new trick. You’d think I had all the tricks after seven children. I have really been trying to have more patience, and not much else can try my patience like a wide open mouthed tantrum. So our youngest, even when handled with the best of patience, gets bent out of shape over not getting his way. It seems to be an everyday, every hour event.

Since his two-year old mind cannot listen to reason, especially in a tantrum, we began to take him to his room with gentle instruction not to come out until he has stopped crying. It actually worked. Within minutes he comes strolling out of his room. His eyes are still red and puffy and his little nose running some, but he is not crying. He went in the room and changed his attitude. How can it get any better? It does!

A few days later something happens to try his patience, and he erupts, only this time he blows us all away. Remarkably, this little guy goes to his room on his own. Did you read that right. He went to his room on his own because he was in a tantrum. He returned in a few minutes after he stopped crying and stared where he had left off in the activity. My oldest son shouts, “I love this kid!”

I have read in many books about helping our kids learn to control themselves and respond to situations by showing them the correct responses. Now, I am no expert, but I did see that work in action. Walking away may not always be the best response, but for a toddler getting to a place where we can change our behavior is huge. Sometimes we fall into success. How else can I model good responses for my children?

Driven Parenting

I put my life (and our one vehicle) in the life of another a few weeks ago. Normally control of the vehicle is mine. Normally, responsibility is mine. These are new days.

Did they revoke my license? Am I no longer capable to drive? No I am fine, thanks for asking. My children are just growing up, and it's time for them to learn that responsibility.

So, my oldest son has gone through a formal driver training class at a cost of several hundred dollars. Let's see did I install that donate to this blog button here yet. Actually he paid for half of it. Real ambition is willing to sacrifice, that lesson was apparently learned. Now it's time to hit the road.

Lots of the time I am too intense with his mistakes and I overdo it verbally to make points stick with him, but with the driving I wanted him to know that I am thoroughly confident in his abilities. He says I am doing pretty good in the patient department. I think I am too.

I am learning from this that he is more responsible and able than I thought. There is great insight in the actual exercise of patience. You can pray for God to give you patience, hoping that He will instantaneously grant it to you. I'll bet that you find that what He'll do is give you a chance to exercise it instead. The lesson seems to stick better.

One last thought. Here on Prince Edward Island, most of the side roads do not have a shoulder, so I find my self reminding my son to "stay on the pavement." Parenting is like guiding a beginning driver down the road. It's easy to swerve a little here and there. The conditions of life will send us one way or another challenging the boundaries of our lane. If life has a lane (or lanes), it must be good to stay in those lanes to get you to your destination safely. That sounds like we need a little focus in our process, doesn't it?

Where will your family, your kids, you be in ten years? You'll only get there safely if you stay on the pavement.

Everyday Parenting

Usually when we think of child training we think of attitudes and character and behavior. We want to train them for their future encounters with dangerous situations or people. Forethought is a motivator- What can I teach them before it happens, so they respond in the best way? That's all great philosophy, but I find that most training happens because something went wrong!

Face it; many times we teach our children something because, "I don't want to see that again!" They hurt someone or themselves or break something of ours, then we react with great intensity to correct. Nothing wrong with correction.

Some of the best training moments come after embarrassment- our embarrassment. You need to check out the parenting tip at Joni Ruhs - Observations and Testimony about taking our kids into public bathrooms after they can talk. It's a short post, but if you are a parent it will send you down memory lane. It is hilariously true.

Take these parenting thoughts to heart-

As we try our best to teach our children to be mannerly and behave properly, the fact is we can't see everything coming. If we are doing our best, be confident in that.

Don't take the embarrassing moments too seriously. It might be God's way at helping us laugh once in a while, and they just become great stories to tell our children's future spouses anyway.

NO Fear!

Can you believe this boy? He obviously has NOT experienced the bite of a popping balloon in the face.

Pain can sure change us. We become cautious (afraid) of experiencing it twice.

Our family relationships could be hindered by fear- fear of previous relationships that were not so good. BUT what are we missing today because we are so cautious? Tell your fear to take a hike, and jump into your relationships as if there is nothing to be lost. Our lives could be somewhat empty because we are only putting somewhat into it.

Grab your family now and go beyond yourself! It will not only be fun; it probably won't even hurt.

In the Eyes of a Child

We all see the same things around us- trees, sky, cars, people. I used to think that everyone saw everything the same way. I am older now, and things are more blurry than ever. The eye doctor tells me that I am on that normal slide of getting older- first glasses for reading, then all the time, then stronger ones. What a great encouragement for the rest of life?!

Stuff of life can change our vision too. Hardship, loss, conflict can all add smudges to our lenses making it harder and harder to appreciate what we see.

I watch my kids as they explore their world and sometimes I wish I had their vision again, not their eye vision; but their outlook vision.

The world of a child is like a giant playground- sticks become swords, rain becomes jumping puddles, trees become a fortress. Life is an exciting journey for them with endless opportunities. Children believe that nearly anything is possible, and that challenges are made for overcoming.

How do we regain that spirit of vision again? Perhaps this afternoon, we should play their games, follow their thoughts, and let them influence us a little (well, not the throwing rocks at cars part). We might just end up being fun again.

Perhaps that is why Jesus said that we must come to His kingdom as a little child- even He wouldn't want to hang around a grouchy old goat.

Bryan

P.S. I have a fun little video of a crazy kid to show you. Check back next week

Keep Moving

I have been stuck after these months of loss of our fathers. But as we tell the children when they get stuck- "keep moving." I read not long ago that when you face trials and difficulties, the best thing to do is continue to press on. It takes time anyway to redefine life after loss; just keep moving.

I can see the cycle that I go through affects my family as well. After I have a few days of short temper, they seem to get short tempered. When I experience days of determination and motivation, suddenly they begin to show more motivation too. The lesson? How ever we want our kids to act and react, especially in days of struggle, LEAD THE WAY!

Let's Keep Moving!

Bryan

How Much Do They Need To Know?

Over the years different struggles, trials and tragedies come. As adults, we face these issues with experience under our belt, but what about our children?

Dawn and I have chosen to be as honest as we can with our kids when events unfold. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Last January my father died. Currently Dawn's dad is in his last days. These are all serious issues that caused us to question, "How much do they need to know?"

We have always tended to take the- let's give them the facts road. We could try to cover over or pretend nothings wrong, but they see it in us; they feel our anxiety and pain. Here are some simple guidelines that we follow:

- Just give the necessary facts

- Answer any upfront questions simply

- Ask later if they have any questions
-to a "feeling" child I ask, "How do you feel about...(the event)?"
-to a "thinking" child I ask, "What are you thinking about...(the event)?"
-this may sound simplistic, but even the wording helps open their hearts

- Try to be aware of their behavioral reactions, and use them as opportunity to approach the subject again

We as parents are guides to the experiences of life. I believe that we help them find appropriate responses by talking with them and letting them in on our responses. When my diagnosis was pending they saw us talking alot and crying together. When we finally told them of the possibilities, some of them were relieved to find out that our marriage was not in jeopardy. That's what they were interpreting our problem to be.

If we face life honestly and help our kids to do the same, everyone is stronger for the experience.
I invite you to put some comments in on how you help your children through the difficulties of life.

The Wages of Motherhood

Our friends in the USA are amazed at one of the blessings of living in Canada- Child Tax Credit Benefit.

The benefit is paid monthly to a parent in the household multiplied by the number of children in the household. I told my wife, "this is the first time that you will finally be paid for your job as a mom!"

I get amused when I hear people discuss what women do as a career, and someone comments, "Oh, you don't work, you stay at home." As Cosby once said, I've seen her (his wife) job. I don't want it!" It is tough work, which I have heard some women comment that they could not do.

Well, from a CNN report, a Waltham, Massachusetts-based firm that studies workplace compensation tells us that the salary of a stay at home mom is worth $117,000 per year. Is that impressive or what? Then again, what kinds of jobs do our moms cover?

My wife teaches our children at home. She is a nurse to their injuries and illnesses. She runs the cafeteria for 9 people three meals a day and snacks. And she operates the in-house laundry facility. All of this for our large family!

I wish I had the money to pay you$117,000, Dawn. I know that she would say that her rewards far outweighs the work. I would say that her worth far outweighs what a career compensation projection could estimate. In fact, as the Bible says, she is worth far more than even rubies!

Things are not what they seem

Do you ever have people in your life that start every sentence with “No”? Carrying on a conversation is not very fun when it constantly goes something like this, “Isn’t it a beautiful day?” “No, I liked fall days better.” Maybe it sounds like this, “Don’t you just love to hear the kids in church? It brings life and excitement,” “No, really, kids in church are a major distraction.” Some people just seem to have a very negative focus.

It is one thing if they are an adult, but a four year has an even harder time figuring out how to change this. Is it just a stage or what? There is a four year old in our house (that shall remain un-named) who begins almost every sentence with “No.” It can be frustrating to say the least. Sometimes it is in defiance, but other times it is just in disagreement. Frustrating!!!!!!!!

My wife and I are always interested in bettering our parenting skills. Dawn reads all kinds of books on it, and we like to hear input from the experience of others. Some friends were over the other day, and one of them brought a really good truth that helped me a lot. He said, “I do not think he is disagreeing. I think he is just telling you that what you said is not what he is thinking.”

The last few days I have been toying with this idea. O, there are times when this independent boy is defying whatever is put before him! However, there are many times in which he really is just saying essentially, “No, I was thinking this…”

It is amazing that with a little understanding, the frustration can be lifted. When it comes to our family relationships, there is great blessing in focusing on what really is instead of just reacting to what we perceive.

Bryan

Make me a HERO!

Dad's, do you ever find it hard to switch gears in my mind from work to home? We all desire great relationships with our children, but should we do to make some fun moments?

Often I work in my brain over and over trying to answer that question, or I get stuck in the rut of , "Let's watch a movie," or "Get a book." Both of these are good, don't get me wrong; but if that's all we offer it gets routine.

Just before leaving for work today I had two little guys following me around, hanging on my legs and arms. Purely by accident I created a fun game. It is not a new marketable game, just a spontaneous inspiration (you have probably done it yourself).

So I ran from the bedroom to the living room and kind of hid so as to be found. Wouldn't you know it the almost 4 year old and 1 1/2 year old came running and looking for me laughing all the way. Then the youngest points for me to go back down the hall and hide while he puts his hands over his face and mumbles something like he is counting numbers. We repeated this several times until it was time to go. Then I got 2 big hugs and smiles as I left.

Remember, time well spent might only need to be a moment if it is well spent. It would really be helpful to me if you would leave some comments on other spontaneous, inspiring, easy, hero-making moments. Just hit the comment button, and add your ideas. If not for my sake; think of my poor children.

Bryan

We Jump at a Crisis

Did you see the story of the 2 1/2 year old falling down the well? In those 30 seconds that we all take our eyes off of our little ones, the terrible happened. The dad was working on something outside, the 2 1/2 year old follows a cat into the neighbors yard and falls though some old boards into a twenty feet deep well half filled with water. It gets worse.

The father hears the boy crying. Thank God for that annoyingly overstuffed jacket that kept the boy afloat in ten feet of water. In the process of clearing off the wood and cinder blocks that are covering the well, the dad drops a cinder block down which crashes on his poor boy's face. That would put anyone into despair!

Anyway he jumps in and climbs out with his son. At the hospital, the boy tells the doctor that his daddy is his hero.

When the crisis is on mostly all of us has what it takes to pull off even the extraordinary. What if we could see the crisis coming and avert it? I guess it is less heroic to be preventative. How often, though, are we living in those 30 seconds of not really paying attention to our children's activities, friends, passions, ambitions, etc...

If we had the same zeal for prevention that we have for heroics maybe we our stories would have less flare, but our lives would sure be more solid. In the mental element of relationships I mentioned studying our spouse and children, so that we know them. When we really know them, we can help them down the best path. Let's turn those 30 seconds of not paying attention to paying attention and learning about each other so we can stay on the right course- the course of blessing and protection and fruitfulness.

Bryan

Subliminal Messages From Our Children

I needed a reminder. A promise was given that we could watch a movie the other night, but I was glued to my computer. There is always so many things to learn about on the web! The time went on and on.

A daughter would look through the door, sigh, then leave. A son would run in whining, "Dad, I want to watch a movie!" He always says that, so it was off my radar. Then one six year old sneaks in; I did not even realize she was behind me. A song began to come forth quiet and subtle first, then loud enough to really hear the words.

" I have the movie. I have the movie...that we want to watch...in my hands. I have the movie. I have the movie...that we want to watch...in my hands."

She really was saying, "Daddy, all our other attempts were failing, so I am just standing here waiting patiently reminding you that we need you."

I thought that it was pretty cute that she came with the sweet tactic. More than cute, it caught my attention and we turned on the movie.

Zip forward two days. Walking through hew kitchen I hear this bellowing noise in the corner. A son, hands stretched up the cabinet, in a fake cry, calling out for a piece of candy that's in a basket up high. I don't think he learned from the subliminal approach. After a short applause from me for the dramatics, I told him no.

What do our kids have to do to get our attention?
Should it be as hard for them as it is?

Bryan