The Focused Family

Coming Soon: Courageous On DVD

2011-12-22T01:18:00.005-04:00

After seeing the Courageous The Movie three times since its release in September, I cannot wait to get it on DVD.

There are so many topics covered in the movie that I don't think I can live without it. Even though it is directed primarily at fathers, the movie gives great examples for any gender and age about living by faith, doing what is right and putting effort into seeking out truth from God.

It takes courage to face trials in life. It also takes courage to stand up for what is right and live godly lives. I always am looking for examples of how to live from everyday life to share with my kids. Courageous has examples of good and bad with its rewards and benefits.

Look for it to com out mid January 2012. I am writing more info on the movie and how to pre-order it at: http://courageousondvd.com

One Flies The Nest

2011-01-11T00:10:00.006-04:00

Years ago when I left home my father looked into my eyes, that were just plain filled with excitement for the adventure of a life away from home, and said "you will never know what it's like for me until your children leave home."

Whatever! I was ready for the world. I was invincible . . . I was naive.

A week ago we took our oldest to the Nashville airport for 6 months with YWAM. He is ready for the world. He is invincible. I am now feeling the emotion behind the words that my father spoke to me over two decades ago.

It's good to let go . . . right? "That's what we raise them for," is what my wife just comforted a friend with as she dropped her daughter off at college yesterday. Why, then, does it have such a helplessness to it?

It is what it is. He is a smart and prepared person, even if he doesn't write home enough.

I have to do this six more times!?

Learning Opportunities

2010-09-10T00:06:00.003-03:00

We are going to Haiti!

Not all of us. Luke and Hannah and I are going for a week in October.

While getting immersed into the Caribbean culture, we will be helping some in the medical clinic run by some of our team. The rest of the time we will assist a local church in their rebuilding efforts.

I have longed for the day when we can serve others together as a family, and here they are. If you have some things that you really want to teach your kids, you have to provide or take advantage of the opportunities that arise.

Wanting your kids to grasp the value of serving others and/or serving in a foreign environment does not just happen. When I was notified that there was an opportunity to go with a group from or Tennessee District, I said, "sign us up!"

Make a list of the things that are really important for your family's character- things that you really want your kids to get. Invest your time and energies. From that list begin to make the opportunities become realities because soon they will be flying away on their own paths

Teenagers and Driving

2010-02-04T08:45:00.003-04:00

Sometimes teens will really surprise you.

We were getting some driving experience as my son prepares to get his license in Tennessee. The hills and hollows and very narrow roads here can make that task just a bit unnerving!

Anyway, we headed up into the hills, trying to avoid the white lines that are the last defense against the deep hollows below. Swerving left and right, we climb the steep banks up and over the hills.

After twenty or so miles, that would not be suitable for the weak stomach, we decide to head over to the school parking lot for some backing up practice. I get out of the car to see if he can back into the space without touching a line. It's fun being the strict referee.

My eyes bug out as he backs the van into the space (doing it very well I might add). On the back bumper there's a jar of BB's that the kids were using in the back yard. It got left there and it survived the twisting and the turning and the ups and downs of over twenty miles!

I applauded my son's cautious driving, telling him that he's going to do just fine. On the way home I was thinking of all the things that an event like that could mean in life.

Put a comment below on how you would relate that to life?

Back to Work

2010-01-07T23:44:00.003-04:00

Thanks for your interest and input in my online marriage seminar. I did not lose interest after the release of my online seminar. I just started a new full-time job.

You might have noticed that it's close up to its regular price now of $127. There will be times when I will release parts of the seminar like the book and audios or the videos and book together. You might want to check back around Valentine's Day for a good sale.

So, I did start a new job with the Census Bureau. Talk about alot of paperwork! I work in the recruiting department. There's a huge need for workers for the upcoming census. I'm glad for that. It means a few months of work anyway.

Today's Release of my Online Christian Marriage Seminar

2010-01-02T13:25:00.004-04:00

For more information and to order go to this page - Online Christian Marriage Seminar

Online Christian Marriage Seminar Ready January 2nd!

2010-01-01T17:43:00.003-04:00

Check back in the AM on January second for the
last minute details and to find out about the bonus
for those who order.

Online Christian Marriage Seminar Coming Soon

2009-12-31T02:35:00.003-04:00

Be the first to get updates and get my free e-book "Christian Marriage Realignment" by getting on my
email list by clicking here-Get Marriage e-book

My Marriage Communication Seminar Coming Soon!

2009-12-29T02:22:00.003-04:00

Click this link- Christian Marriage Realignment to get my free 10 page e-book that will help guide you through some difficult communication issues in your marriage.

Click this link- Marriage Help for free articles about improving your marriage relationship.

Keeping Up Morale In Your Family

2009-11-23T17:20:00.002-04:00

It seems that many families that I know are in some kind of adjustment. Financial conditions, moving, graduates leaving home for college, new babies and changes in job situations force us to adjust. Change is usually painful in one way or another. How do we as parents cope? How do we help our children keep encouraged along the way, too?

*Keep perspective- Life is not only where you are today, but it is going somewhere. I can be patient through difficult times if I know we are working towards the better. Chemotherapy taught me that.

*Keep plugging at it- Discouragement can easily cause us to change quit, and in some things there needs to be a weighing out of the results. How often though do we quit when success was just around the corner?

*Keep remembering- God knows and cares about everything we are involved in. We can give to Him the burden of our circumstances, and find peace in the realization that we belong to Him and He will see us through. Trust in Him. He will direct your path. Even if you cannot see it God is working.

*Keep showing it- Our kids are not only suffering at their level, but their watching you for lessons on how to deal with it. Show them that our joy is not determined by our circumstances. There are gifts from God that are great blessings. Be joyful in trials. Be real. Talk of faith in God and back it up in your conversations and in your outlook.

*Keep celebrating- Past victories make great songs for the present trial. Look at the psalms. many of them are reminders of God's faithfulness through the past. They are encouragement for the present.

So as a parent lead the way in pointing out the good, having fun and creating good memories out of the hard situation. Remember, the current difficulty will be a opportunity to thank God in the future.

Keep looking up!

A Family's Direction

2009-10-21T08:00:00.004-03:00

As parents we make decisions that affect everyone in the family. We set the tone for what is important and what is valued. There is a hidden element to this whole parenting adventure that I only recently discovered.

Direction falls under this focused family precept as well. Direction is a little under the radar in reality. It may not always be so easily defined, but it is an integral part of the pace of family. It actually begins to show up as patterns developing in a family.

If you and your siblings and parents meet for a meal once a week, then your parents lead in a direction that included this as an important value. Even after you as children left the house, the direction continued.

Family businesses that pass from parents to children fall into the same category. Sports involvement can be the same.

In our family, faith as Christians, has always been valued. It has moved us in a direction of ministry to others in the church setting for the last twelve years. Earlier this last summer I resigned from our church in Canada. I had planned on taking a year off to do some writing. What I did not anticipate was that even though ministry is sometimes stressful for our family, it is also part of the direction. Not ministering in the church created an imbalance in our direction. This was a major interrupt in our children especially.

When the direction was violated the anxiety in our family rose and a sense of wandering came out. Even though we were maintaining the process of faith in our home, the family direction was suffering. As I began to seek a new assignment in another church, the process in itself made it even worse.

Now, we are headed to Spring Hill, Tennessee as I have agreed to be the pastor of a church there. When that decision was made there was a great lifting of our spirits as the direction had returned. We are once again moving together in life. We are moving in a direction that has become a definition of who we are together.

What do you value and where is it taking your family?

Conflict In Marriage Does Not Equal Incompatibility

2009-09-06T03:03:00.008-03:00

What do you want in your marriage?

We could all probably answer that 100 different ways. If the question was asked, "What do you NOT want in your marriage," I'll bet conflict will be high on the list.

I have known very few people that actually enjoyed conflict. I, for one, hate it. I have read that a high percentage of reasons for divorce is incompatibility. Actually I just looked a little further and irreconcilable differences was an often sited reason which is close to the same. Conflict drains us and discourages us.

If you are looking for a marriage without conflict, dream on! If you ever have more than one person in a room, there will be conflict. In fact many can find conflict, even if they're alone.

Here's the deal. Get used to the idea of conflict being around; it's not a reason to leave home. Now, I am not naive. I know there is some conflict that requires separation. I am talking about everyday, normal conflict that arises in marriage. The key is in how you deal with it.

In my psychology class, years ago, I remember the book saying that we all have a" flight or fight" instinct. Has anyone ever read about the "deal with it" solution?

Remember this person you married was once the only thing in life that mattered. They are still worth fighting for.

*Handle conflicts by humbly asking clarifying questions.
"Did you mean .... when you said...?"

"Are you really saying...?"

*Handle conflict by assuring your spouse that you love them, and while this disagreement is difficult, it does not change your love or commitment.

*Handle conflict by bringing a trusted person into the conversation to help you sort it through.

*Handle the conflict. Don't let it ruin your love or marriage.

Imagine a marriage where when conflicts arise, someone brings it up and you get through it without two days of the cold shoulder and sleeping on the couch. Wouldn't it be great to be able to be secure because even though there's a bit of trouble it's not the end?

Conflict is a bump in the road of marriage, not the end of the road.

Our Children Sometimes Surprise Us

2009-08-31T12:15:00.005-03:00

Moving is one of the top ten stressors on a family as I read it. In fact, so is being without a job. So, at the moment we live in two of the top ten stressors in life. That's OK, we chose this path, and we are doing our best to learn everything that we can out of it.

In fact over the last three months not only have we been able to travel and be ministered to by many people, but in those same travels we have been able to encourage and minister to others that we have not seen in many years.

Along the way, we continue to be aware of the effects of this on our children. Some of their reactions are typical to their age and personality, but sometimes they surprise us and really show a different sort of maturity.

Our seven year old daughter has drawn several pictures of Prince Edward Island, where we used to live. One was of the Confederation Bridge and another was of a sunset on the beach. She stop with just a picture though.

She also wrote notes on the back of them to tell us something important. Both of them said something to the effect of, I miss my home on Prince Edward Island, but I know that you love us and are taking care of us."

It's easy for us , even as adults, to focus on our own pain and difficulty. How many diets have you ended early or books have you started only to stop early because it was too hard. now I know that she has no choice in the matter, but she still is affirming faith in us even in hard times.

Could we be so bold as to accept our painful circumstances and trust God for His love and care?

Faith and Family Life

2009-07-24T12:14:00.003-03:00

Is faith "part" of family life or is family life part of faith?

Being a person who believes in what the Bible says, I then believe that my relationship to Jesus Christ is first priority. What and how I believe affects every other part of my life.

This all means that I am a Christian first. That makes me a Christian husband, a Christian father, a Christian son and brother, a Christian pastor (or whatever my current job is) and a Christian citizen.

Faith in what God says about life, family, work, friendships and any other part of life defines my focus in those roles. It's really pretty good. I have an instruction book for life that still allows me freedom to express how I was made as well.

I can relax in knowing that I do not have to define every part of life. It's a bonus for me to live within the framework that God has put together. In fact, there are great promises for those who do live within His framework.

Faith is not merely a way of thinking; it's a way of living. It applies to every area of life.

I invite you to get my free audio called, What It Means To Be Christian by clicking the title.
It's for those wondering about the Christian faith as well as those who already are Christian.

Handling the Stressful Days in Your Family

2009-05-14T15:12:00.005-03:00

So, we are about to do one of the most stressful things that a family can do- move.

Since I know that is coming what should I do to prevent exploding when I get frustrated?

Here is my plan:

* Travel to some remote cabin, and have my wife call me when it's over
(just kidding), but it does sound good!

Really now:

* Try to prevent adding to the stress by listing details that need accomplished.

* Build in some fun, unwinding time

* Keep each relationship close and meaningful

* Keep everything in perspective

* Listen to my wife's needs along the way and meet them best that I can

We do need to pay special attention to our relationships in times where we know stress will be a factor. If we don't stuff just builds up and we might say things that we don't mean and then you have a mess in your relationships as well as trying to move.

Leave a comment with other ways that you can think of to help me make the best in a stressful situation worse.

The Marriage Fade

2009-04-28T08:50:00.003-03:00

How does the fire of our marriage fade to a small flame, then to a flicker, then to a smolder, then to nothing?

You might say my marriage has not gone to nothing. That's great, but it lies somewhere on that line. Whether its on fire or out to nothing, the possibility is for it to move down or up the line in either way. That's the good news. It can go to the positive side again.

Few things happen by accident. Our marriages will move closer or farther apart based on our actions. Your actions to improve your marriage will have an effect. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but over time, there will be changes for the better.

Starting right now, today, is your chance to make improvements in your marriage. Wherever you are on the marriage line, if you take action it will begin to change. Maybe you would like to let me help you with that change.

I put together a nine part email course called Marriage Realignment to help people start making the changes toward a closer relationship in their marriage. Go to http://www.marriage.thefamilyandhome.com to get started any time of the day. The emails will come automatically for nine days.

Be sure to come back and post your thoughts in the comments here.

What's Your perspective On Your Marriage?

2009-04-14T22:50:00.004-03:00

It is amazing how two people so closely linked, even in marriage, can think totally different. One may like sports, the other opera. One may like pizza, the other likes salad. You get the idea. You are probably listing the differences between you and your spouse your mind right now.

Even in our relationship, one spouse sees their marriage falling apart while the other relaxes in the idea that all is right in their marriage. Perspective is what makes us different.

Your perspective exposes your expectations. How you feel in your marriage leads you to whether your expectations are being met. We have different perspectives because we have different expectations and needs.

If you are frustrated in your marriage right now, list the reasons for your frustrations. You will probably list ways that your spouse is letting you down. Maybe they do not even know what needs you have. Maybe your expectations have not been verbalized.

It's time for some heart to heart communication. Talk with your spouse. Gently communicate your needs (no nagging or complaining). Let them respond. Ask what needs they have that you may not be aware of. Then each of you can work towards meeting each other's needs which affects how you feel, which affects your perspective.

Get my free audio on Ingredients for a healthy family by entering your name and email to the right.

Troubles Again?!

2009-04-13T12:50:00.003-03:00

Man, it's snowing again. It's April! I'm thinking this should be over by now. It does remind me about the regularity of troubles in life though.

Troubles come and go. In marriage, parenting, our jobs and friendships troubles have a cycle. There not always on the same cycle, and not always on the same frequency.

What do we do about it?

Prevention is the best medicine as it has been said. If we can work on good character in ourselves, practice wise financial habits, and use integrity and respect in our relationships many experiences could be avoided. Sometimes troubles cannot be avoided.

It goes along way to face issues together in marriage or even as a family. We need each other. God gave us each other to be a help to each other. Hiding trouble from our spouse just brings up questions as to our frustrations and irritations.

Do yourself a favor and seek your spouse's support in your troubles.

Wii Have Finally Done It!

2009-03-30T16:11:00.006-03:00

Unbelievable. Inconceivable. Could it be? Yes, the Ayers family has broken the "family entertainment" barrier. What happened?

Wii have entered the digital world of game systems that allows you to become a pro bowler, golfer, baseball player, tennis star or whatever else a $20-$100 game will buy.

What Wii have also discovered is that these game systems make great teaching tools for children (well, for me too). Wii have discussed patience, taking turns, sharing, taking care of expensive things and wasting time in life.

Wii have had some great fun together and wii are learning some valuable lessons.

If you can guess from the hidden clues in this post which game system wii bought, I will send you a free mp3 audio that talks about three really important ingredients to your family life.

Email your answer to me, and I will get that audio to you.

"Daddy, why do you kiss mommy in front of us kids?"

2009-03-19T09:40:00.003-03:00

Ok, so I like to kiss my wife. That's normal, isn't it? Well, it is for me. When should I be aloud to kiss her- when no one is around, especially the kids?

You have probably heard older people talk of the older days when men and women did not express outward displays of affection in public. It just wasn't right. While I'll agree that some things that I have seen people do in public was not appropriate, I believe that there is a link to good parenting that we capitalize on here.

Kids pick up on almost everything, don't they? Maybe not the things that we try hard to teach them, but in everyday interactions they seem to find meaning in what they see. Only a few months ago, the same daughter that asked why we kiss in front of the kids, asked if we were getting a divorce. That was never said in the conversation between me and my wife, but she sensed the tension in our conversation.

Anyway, why do I kiss my wife in front of my children?

I want them to know that I love her. I tell her that I love her in front of them too. I tell them that I love them too. I kiss them too. It's kind of like helping them to associate actions that go with love. If there is disrespect, I quickly point out that that is not what we do if we love someone. If I act disrespectful toward them, the I show them the way of sorrow for wrongs done and seeking forgiveness.

I also want both the boys and they girls to see healthy ways to act for the days in which they will find a spouse. Relationships are not all business. They are playful, fun, work and planning. They need to see and understand all these things, so they have a map to follow in their future.

A few times, a couple of our children have said, "You love mommy don't you?" That is something they observed. That is something they learned. That is why I kiss my wife in front of the children. Well..........sometimes it's I just can't wait for later when we are alone!

A Family Response To Crisis

2009-03-09T22:54:00.003-03:00

The economic crisis deepens. How are you affected? A better question is how are you responding?

In the last few months there have been stories of extremes in the U.S.

One family found shot to death before which the father had faxed a TV station saying, "...my wife felt it better to end our lives; and why leave our children in someone else's hands ... we have no job and 5 children under 8 years with no place to go. So here we are." -CNN's Stan Wilson, Ashley Broughton and Paul Vercammen contributed to this report; Wed January 28, 2009

How sad can it get? How hopeless?

Does it have to be like that? On the other hand, I saw a report of a family with five children, and a mom who lost her job. Their response was to take in their friends and neighbors who were struggling financially. They had received similar help when they were in need different times, and now they want to give back.

I am not going to pretend to have the answers to every situation. I am broken over the thought that parents would feel so desperate as to take their own lives as well as the lives of their children. Let's learn to find purpose and hope in times that get desperate. Let's not give up. Every struggle is an opportunity to prove the faithfulness of God. Every action and reaction is a lesson for our children to experience with us.

Thoughtfully,
Bryan

Thoughts on Marriage from Fireproof- the Movie

2009-02-16T15:55:00.011-04:00

Selfish............ not shell fish............Selfish

Most problems in marriage begin with selfishness.

"You don't understand me." "I am not happy" "I need some me time." "I am going in a different direction."

Now, I understand that people go in different directions. I realize that it's possible not to be happy, but once we were going the same direction and once we were happy. What changed? Life changes, and it changes all the time.

In the movie, Fireproof, they made it very clear that stuff happens in life that brings us to a place where we cannot see any hope in the future for our marriage. Our differences can lead us to differing conclusions. Our desires for the way things need to be are contrary. Our thinking can easily turn to, "What I think is more valuable than what you think." Before you know it, the end of our marriage is in sight. The key to remedy this is as they show in Fireproof is- overcoming selfishness.

We are afraid of being taken advantage of. We're afraid of not getting taken care of. The old adage for marriage was 50/50. I'll give half. You give half. That will make the whole. The truth is that we each need to give 100% to our spouse if it's going to work.

Here are some thoughts:

-Refrain from blaming the problems on your spouse. Marriage problems are "our" problems.

-Think and act everyday on the question, "How can I do something to bless my spouse today?"

-Don't be afraid to dialog about concerns that you have in your relationship, but be open to understanding and working with your spouse.

-Let small issues stay small issues by addressing them before they become huge.

-Make sure that you are everything that you need to be before you start to make your spouse accountable to what they need to be.

Yes, life changes. You are changing physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. If we can live this life together with our spouse, we will ride out the changes in life and be a team that overcomes. The first thing that must be faced. . . . . . . . . . . . selfishness.

Christmas Scandal

2008-12-24T11:26:00.003-04:00

Joe and Mary are going to be married soon, but Mary has some awful news- she is already pregnant! "What?!" Joe can hardly believe his ears. He chose Mary because of her virtue and honesty. Not only does his hurt run the deepest ever, but there are some legal problems.

If he decides to not marry her, then people will ask why and find out about her unfaithfulness. She can try the same story on others that she tried on Joe. Who would really believe that God put a child inside of her, and that no man was needed in the process. That has never happened before.

As Joe contemplates his options he has a dream in which an angel tells him to relax, what she said was true, and God wanted him to help Mary by marrying her anyway. Joe concedes and the rest is history.

I do not know why God would bring His only Son into the world through such a scandal. Many over the years have thought up ways in which it could have happened better. But we do not make up the rules, He does.

Sometimes God asks us to give up ourselves in the process of making His plans happen. It might cost us time, money, comfort, reputation, possessions, and anything else to honor Him in this life. What we do in obedience to God might look completely foolish to others, but who is most important here?

Mary submitted to God's plan. Joseph submitted to God's plan. The shepherds did what the angels told them to do. The wise men followed the star as the sign to go by.

Our families can go hundreds of directions. The world will distract the youngest to the oldest away from God's plan and ways. We must keep God in front of us in as many ways as possible so as not to loose vision and strength. It has to be done on purpose.

Can we commit ourselves and our families to God's way even if it might cost us something?

Art Saves Christmas

2008-12-16T12:15:00.003-04:00

Art and his wife, Connie, get real tense around Christmas. He never gets her what she really wants, he can never figure out what she would like. Beyond that, they often forget to tell each other when the work parties and school plays are scheduled. The holidays are a big headache for them.

This year Art changes his strategy.

"I noticed that you take that purse everyday" he interjects. He is actually observing his wife's activities for a change. He is also fishing for more information.

She answers, "Ya, I love this old thing. It has always been my favorite, but it is really getting beat up."

Art takes note of the purse color and features. Now he is on to something.

After work one day, he comes home with some scratch paper that has dates for the company party and his family's Christmas dinner date and time. "Connie," he calls "here is a couple of dates that I would really like to make sure we get to this year. Lets sit down tonight and put down the ones that you know about so we don't miss anything."

"Wow! Could he actually be thinking ahead?!" Connie notices the strange, new Art. "Yes, I'll be home after the parent/teacher meeting around 8."

Let's zip to the end of this story before it gets to long...

Art stands for articulate. It means to communicate. We operate so much on assumption that when things don't work like we thought we end in frustration. What are the essentials to communicating well?

-Say what you mean

-Listen to the other person repeating back to them what they said with a "Did you
mean..." at the beginning

-Ask questions in a "I want to know more about you" kind of way because you
really do.

-Seek first to understand, then to be understood (From Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People)

It is so easy to get out of the habit of communicating well. Some people think that if the other person really loved me, they would just know. Well, that is awfully unrealistic. On the other hand, if we really do care about someone, we will pay attention to their lives enough to know them better. We can always ask questions to clarify.

Save your family this Holiday Season....communicate!

Surviving , NO, THRIVING through the Season

2008-12-08T12:54:00.004-04:00

I am tempted to call it Surviving the Season, but really who wants to merely survive? It can get to that point I know too well. How do we thrive through the season then?

-A Calendar to mark down all the parties and programs, so you do not miss anything

-A conversation with your spouse to make sure that you are on the same page about priorities

-A plan to make time for the things that you really want to do

-An ability to say NO to things that you just cannot make time to do

-A focus on what the season is really about

What is the season really about?

Check back soon for the answer if you really want to thrive through the season!

Do You Have Tantrums?

2008-11-19T14:39:00.003-04:00

We tend to think that only kids have tantrums. Kids kick and scream or the really brave ones hold their breath. Now, adults don not do such things do they?

Years ago I was under our Dodge van, lovingly named "the Silver-Bullet." The Silver-Bullet had a transmission problem, and I had finally asked a mechanic friend of mine to help me with it. We got right to work dismantling everything to remove the transmission, and bang! My wrench slipped and I cut my hand on some sharp thing. No, I didn't swear, but I did grunt loudly and repeatedly hit the tire with my wrench.

I could feel my friend looking at me, then he asked if I felt better after all that. Of course I did. I let off a little steam, and that felt great. He then asked if I was going to get back to work or was I going to just keep making a racket.

I'll bet you have had, shall we say, ADULT TANTRUMS. We may not kick and scream like a two-year old, but we do as, Webster calls it, "have a bit of bad temper" occasionally.

Look, we all get frustrated, feel tired, wear down under stress, and/or get overwhelmed by life's circumstances. These things can send us straight into a tantrum, but we want to be good examples, right?

There have been times that I am able to sense my blood boiling. That's the time to evaluate. Count to three, or ten, or twenty-five, or whatever. Why am I feeling this? Is there good solution to the problem. Am I restraining from falsely blaming someone for the problem. The Bible says that we fight because we don't get our way. Is our way always necessary?
Self -control is what we adults try to force on our kids. Are we using it, too?

Click down on the comments to share good ways that you have learned to live and teach self-control.

Toddlers and Tantrums

2008-11-05T15:32:00.004-04:00

A regular day of parenting can be filled with joy, peace, satisfaction, and fulfillment; or screaming, tantrums, yelling, and fight for control, or all the above. Wow, your poor kids have to put up with a lot! No, we know it’s always the children who get out of control, right?

Boy #1 comes up from the basement with the coolest wooden toy gun in our house. Not long after boy #2 strolls from the bedroom after a really good nap. Boy #2 sees toy gun and must think, “I deserve that toy gun.” The fight is on…

I have learned a new trick. You’d think I had all the tricks after seven children. I have really been trying to have more patience, and not much else can try my patience like a wide open mouthed tantrum. So our youngest, even when handled with the best of patience, gets bent out of shape over not getting his way. It seems to be an everyday, every hour event.

Since his two-year old mind cannot listen to reason, especially in a tantrum, we began to take him to his room with gentle instruction not to come out until he has stopped crying. It actually worked. Within minutes he comes strolling out of his room. His eyes are still red and puffy and his little nose running some, but he is not crying. He went in the room and changed his attitude. How can it get any better? It does!

A few days later something happens to try his patience, and he erupts, only this time he blows us all away. Remarkably, this little guy goes to his room on his own. Did you read that right. He went to his room on his own because he was in a tantrum. He returned in a few minutes after he stopped crying and stared where he had left off in the activity. My oldest son shouts, “I love this kid!”

I have read in many books about helping our kids learn to control themselves and respond to situations by showing them the correct responses. Now, I am no expert, but I did see that work in action. Walking away may not always be the best response, but for a toddler getting to a place where we can change our behavior is huge. Sometimes we fall into success. How else can I model good responses for my children?

Family Finances in a Failing Economy

2008-09-27T23:43:00.003-03:00

How in the world do we survive in times of economic distress?

If you didn't answer that question before the trouble started, you will be doing a lot of back tracking.

Is the spiraling economy a problem or a symptom? It's easy, when things are going well, to spend, spend, spend. Go ahead, it'll be covered. You've got credit!!!!! I don't remember the analyzers back around 2003 saying "don't overdo your equity with a big loan for all its worth." Now it's bail-out time. Managing money can be tricky.

When Dawn and I first got married I had this sense that we had to have everything that our parents have. It took awhile, but the realization hit me that they have been working to get what they have for the last 25 years. Why do I think that I should have it all right now?

Slow...........methodical.........earn it............save it............pay off the credit............save some more. That has been our plan. There are lots of things we could have, but I keep thinking of the things that we desire for the future, so we save, save, save.

One car is good for now, a little limiting at times, but it must work. Lunches can be made from home. Clothes saved for the next child down. Don't overspend what you earn! The equivalent of a car payment saved is worth alot more than a payment made to someone else.

We have not always been able to save like we would like, but over the long haul things get covered. John Wesley said, "Make all you can. Give all you can. Save all you can." I am exploring ways to make all I can. We have worked to honor God in the give all you can. A regular savings plan has helped us through many emergencies. I wish the bank could help more with a better a.p.r.!

Mind your spending lifestyle. Patience is a virtue when it comes to non-necessities. Honoring God is an essential. Honesty in dealings will reward you. Pray that the government does not ruin it all.

Driven Parenting

2008-09-16T08:31:00.008-03:00

I put my life (and our one vehicle) in the life of another a few weeks ago. Normally control of the vehicle is mine. Normally, responsibility is mine. These are new days.

Did they revoke my license? Am I no longer capable to drive? No I am fine, thanks for asking. My children are just growing up, and it's time for them to learn that responsibility.

So, my oldest son has gone through a formal driver training class at a cost of several hundred dollars. Let's see did I install that donate to this blog button here yet. Actually he paid for half of it. Real ambition is willing to sacrifice, that lesson was apparently learned. Now it's time to hit the road.

Lots of the time I am too intense with his mistakes and I overdo it verbally to make points stick with him, but with the driving I wanted him to know that I am thoroughly confident in his abilities. He says I am doing pretty good in the patient department. I think I am too.

I am learning from this that he is more responsible and able than I thought. There is great insight in the actual exercise of patience. You can pray for God to give you patience, hoping that He will instantaneously grant it to you. I'll bet that you find that what He'll do is give you a chance to exercise it instead. The lesson seems to stick better.

One last thought. Here on Prince Edward Island, most of the side roads do not have a shoulder, so I find my self reminding my son to "stay on the pavement." Parenting is like guiding a beginning driver down the road. It's easy to swerve a little here and there. The conditions of life will send us one way or another challenging the boundaries of our lane. If life has a lane (or lanes), it must be good to stay in those lanes to get you to your destination safely. That sounds like we need a little focus in our process, doesn't it?

Where will your family, your kids, you be in ten years? You'll only get there safely if you stay on the pavement.

Everyday Parenting

2008-09-11T09:18:00.003-03:00

Usually when we think of child training we think of attitudes and character and behavior. We want to train them for their future encounters with dangerous situations or people. Forethought is a motivator- What can I teach them before it happens, so they respond in the best way? That's all great philosophy, but I find that most training happens because something went wrong!

Face it; many times we teach our children something because, "I don't want to see that again!" They hurt someone or themselves or break something of ours, then we react with great intensity to correct. Nothing wrong with correction.

Some of the best training moments come after embarrassment- our embarrassment. You need to check out the parenting tip at Joni Ruhs - Observations and Testimony about taking our kids into public bathrooms after they can talk. It's a short post, but if you are a parent it will send you down memory lane. It is hilariously true.

Take these parenting thoughts to heart-

As we try our best to teach our children to be mannerly and behave properly, the fact is we can't see everything coming. If we are doing our best, be confident in that.

Don't take the embarrassing moments too seriously. It might be God's way at helping us laugh once in a while, and they just become great stories to tell our children's future spouses anyway.

Sarah Palin - For the Family

2008-08-29T23:38:00.003-03:00

Who better to champion family values than a mother who knowingly gave birth to a Down Syndrome child, tackled corruption in government, then worked preventatively to shore up ethical practices in her home state of Alaska. But what about the glaring other issues: experience and gender?

Yes, nearly all of us would like to see a "game changer" as she has been called in the places of power. Is her experience as a Governor good enough to face the nation and world?

Is gender really a question in 2008. Hillary Clinton rose to the top, well, second to the top. Is the nation and the government ready for a woman leader? The same people that politicians are hoping to gather to McCain might think that a top leadership position like President or Vice President is not for a woman. Although some of my most conservative friends have weighed in for the positive already.

Be sure to comment here on your thoughts on Sarah Palin for Vice President.

Bryan

NO Fear!

2008-08-25T23:18:00.003-03:00

Can you believe this boy? He obviously has NOT experienced the bite of a popping balloon in the face.

Pain can sure change us. We become cautious (afraid) of experiencing it twice.

Our family relationships could be hindered by fear- fear of previous relationships that were not so good. BUT what are we missing today because we are so cautious? Tell your fear to take a hike, and jump into your relationships as if there is nothing to be lost. Our lives could be somewhat empty because we are only putting somewhat into it.

Grab your family now and go beyond yourself! It will not only be fun; it probably won't even hurt.

In the Eyes of a Child

2008-08-18T13:12:00.005-03:00

We all see the same things around us- trees, sky, cars, people. I used to think that everyone saw everything the same way. I am older now, and things are more blurry than ever. The eye doctor tells me that I am on that normal slide of getting older- first glasses for reading, then all the time, then stronger ones. What a great encouragement for the rest of life?!

Stuff of life can change our vision too. Hardship, loss, conflict can all add smudges to our lenses making it harder and harder to appreciate what we see.

I watch my kids as they explore their world and sometimes I wish I had their vision again, not their eye vision; but their outlook vision.

The world of a child is like a giant playground- sticks become swords, rain becomes jumping puddles, trees become a fortress. Life is an exciting journey for them with endless opportunities. Children believe that nearly anything is possible, and that challenges are made for overcoming.

How do we regain that spirit of vision again? Perhaps this afternoon, we should play their games, follow their thoughts, and let them influence us a little (well, not the throwing rocks at cars part). We might just end up being fun again.

Perhaps that is why Jesus said that we must come to His kingdom as a little child- even He wouldn't want to hang around a grouchy old goat.

Bryan

P.S. I have a fun little video of a crazy kid to show you. Check back next week

Keep Moving

2008-08-14T20:57:00.003-03:00

I have been stuck after these months of loss of our fathers. But as we tell the children when they get stuck- "keep moving." I read not long ago that when you face trials and difficulties, the best thing to do is continue to press on. It takes time anyway to redefine life after loss; just keep moving.

I can see the cycle that I go through affects my family as well. After I have a few days of short temper, they seem to get short tempered. When I experience days of determination and motivation, suddenly they begin to show more motivation too. The lesson? How ever we want our kids to act and react, especially in days of struggle, LEAD THE WAY!

Let's Keep Moving!

Bryan

A Tribute to Dawn's Father

2008-06-24T01:06:00.008-03:00

The email read “Dear Grandkids, I have good news and bad. The good news is I will be going to Heaven. The bad news is I do not get to choose when.” His time came on June 13, 2008. We spend these days finding ways to pay our final respects and redefine our lives without the man we have known and loved.

In the community, Fred was a man who wanted to know about and care for others. He always seemed interested in the lives of others and how he could help make a difference. Whether it was next door or all the way down in Florida, he could make a friend.

Awards, pictures and memorabilia from his workplace of 34 years, Remelle Engineering proudly cover a wall at home. Hard work would characterize something that was a priority to Fred. He served his country in the marine corps for three years earning a medal of good conduct.

In the church Fred was exemplary in service and interaction. There was a love for his church as having found a great treasure. He spoke of men’s retreat, and the mission trips to Mandaree Mission in North Dakota as a necessity. He found four of the great sources of joy in this life- knowing Christ, a loving family, fellowship with others, and service.

Some of the ways that Fred has affected others will have to include his wife. The two of them have raised children who have learned what it means to work hard and play together. Their children’s lives and families are always spoken of in prideful tones. When the children were younger there were camping trips that would cross through several states and state park hikes that nobody was ever really sure where they would end up.

For the grandchildren nothing could beat grandpa’s tractor rides except getting big enough for grandpa to teach you to drive the tractor yourself. Together they have been there for us in the joyous times and the hard times. They have taught us to take our life responsibilities seriously and to cherish our relationships

One thing that really stands out for the both of them is the way they could receive their children’s spouses as their own children. We who are in-laws (or maybe its outlaws) gained another set of parents when we married into the family.

Though life has held its difficulties, They have shown us that God can help us to stay together and persevere through the trials and hardships. They are an example of commitment to all.

There were some favorite songs over the years. One contained “I will sing, sing a new song,” at which he was begged to sing a new song and “Lord you are more precious than silver” which was a good reminder to us all about valuing Christ more than anything.

He brought laughter to many by sending good clean funnies by email. He was man who could fix anything. He taught us about cars, mowers, sweeping the chimney, working the garden and taking care of what God has given you. Nearly any challenge for repair he could make a way to fix it. His tools and computer lay still now after years of use. As we read through the comments on the caringbridge website, we began to get a glimpse of his affect on the lives of so many and our affections for Fred only grew bigger. We are thankful that in times of terrible loss, we have a God of help and comfort.

PS 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

How Much Do They Need To Know?

2008-06-10T10:39:00.005-03:00

Over the years different struggles, trials and tragedies come. As adults, we face these issues with experience under our belt, but what about our children?

Dawn and I have chosen to be as honest as we can with our kids when events unfold. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Last January my father died. Currently Dawn's dad is in his last days. These are all serious issues that caused us to question, "How much do they need to know?"

We have always tended to take the- let's give them the facts road. We could try to cover over or pretend nothings wrong, but they see it in us; they feel our anxiety and pain. Here are some simple guidelines that we follow:

- Just give the necessary facts

- Answer any upfront questions simply

- Ask later if they have any questions
-to a "feeling" child I ask, "How do you feel about...(the event)?"
-to a "thinking" child I ask, "What are you thinking about...(the event)?"
-this may sound simplistic, but even the wording helps open their hearts

- Try to be aware of their behavioral reactions, and use them as opportunity to approach the subject again

We as parents are guides to the experiences of life. I believe that we help them find appropriate responses by talking with them and letting them in on our responses. When my diagnosis was pending they saw us talking alot and crying together. When we finally told them of the possibilities, some of them were relieved to find out that our marriage was not in jeopardy. That's what they were interpreting our problem to be.

If we face life honestly and help our kids to do the same, everyone is stronger for the experience.
I invite you to put some comments in on how you help your children through the difficulties of life.

The Wages of Motherhood

2008-06-04T10:41:00.002-03:00

Our friends in the USA are amazed at one of the blessings of living in Canada- Child Tax Credit Benefit.

The benefit is paid monthly to a parent in the household multiplied by the number of children in the household. I told my wife, "this is the first time that you will finally be paid for your job as a mom!"

I get amused when I hear people discuss what women do as a career, and someone comments, "Oh, you don't work, you stay at home." As Cosby once said, I've seen her (his wife) job. I don't want it!" It is tough work, which I have heard some women comment that they could not do.

Well, from a CNN report, a Waltham, Massachusetts-based firm that studies workplace compensation tells us that the salary of a stay at home mom is worth $117,000 per year. Is that impressive or what? Then again, what kinds of jobs do our moms cover?

My wife teaches our children at home. She is a nurse to their injuries and illnesses. She runs the cafeteria for 9 people three meals a day and snacks. And she operates the in-house laundry facility. All of this for our large family!

I wish I had the money to pay you$117,000, Dawn. I know that she would say that her rewards far outweighs the work. I would say that her worth far outweighs what a career compensation projection could estimate. In fact, as the Bible says, she is worth far more than even rubies!

MIxed Emotions

2008-05-14T16:19:00.003-03:00

How do we keep up? How do we stay sane?

In the last year I recovered from cancer, buried my father, my sister was married, two nieces graduate from high school, one niece graduates from West Point, and my wife's father is now terminally ill.

While we do not live on emotions, our emotions are huge in our lives. By the grace of God we go on. Experiences make us who we are and lead us into the future- bad and good.

I prayed years ago for God to help me experience everything that comes with His help. Even though things sometimes are most difficult, I know His grace helps us through, shaping us. He is the steady thing that gets us through all the ups and downs. I am grateful for that.

Things are not what they seem

2008-04-25T03:47:00.000-03:00

Do you ever have people in your life that start every sentence with “No”? Carrying on a conversation is not very fun when it constantly goes something like this, “Isn’t it a beautiful day?” “No, I liked fall days better.” Maybe it sounds like this, “Don’t you just love to hear the kids in church? It brings life and excitement,” “No, really, kids in church are a major distraction.” Some people just seem to have a very negative focus.

It is one thing if they are an adult, but a four year has an even harder time figuring out how to change this. Is it just a stage or what? There is a four year old in our house (that shall remain un-named) who begins almost every sentence with “No.” It can be frustrating to say the least. Sometimes it is in defiance, but other times it is just in disagreement. Frustrating!!!!!!!!

My wife and I are always interested in bettering our parenting skills. Dawn reads all kinds of books on it, and we like to hear input from the experience of others. Some friends were over the other day, and one of them brought a really good truth that helped me a lot. He said, “I do not think he is disagreeing. I think he is just telling you that what you said is not what he is thinking.”

The last few days I have been toying with this idea. O, there are times when this independent boy is defying whatever is put before him! However, there are many times in which he really is just saying essentially, “No, I was thinking this…”

It is amazing that with a little understanding, the frustration can be lifted. When it comes to our family relationships, there is great blessing in focusing on what really is instead of just reacting to what we perceive.

Bryan

Make me a HERO!

2008-04-09T15:33:00.005-03:00

Dad's, do you ever find it hard to switch gears in my mind from work to home? We all desire great relationships with our children, but should we do to make some fun moments?

Often I work in my brain over and over trying to answer that question, or I get stuck in the rut of , "Let's watch a movie," or "Get a book." Both of these are good, don't get me wrong; but if that's all we offer it gets routine.

Just before leaving for work today I had two little guys following me around, hanging on my legs and arms. Purely by accident I created a fun game. It is not a new marketable game, just a spontaneous inspiration (you have probably done it yourself).

So I ran from the bedroom to the living room and kind of hid so as to be found. Wouldn't you know it the almost 4 year old and 1 1/2 year old came running and looking for me laughing all the way. Then the youngest points for me to go back down the hall and hide while he puts his hands over his face and mumbles something like he is counting numbers. We repeated this several times until it was time to go. Then I got 2 big hugs and smiles as I left.

Remember, time well spent might only need to be a moment if it is well spent. It would really be helpful to me if you would leave some comments on other spontaneous, inspiring, easy, hero-making moments. Just hit the comment button, and add your ideas. If not for my sake; think of my poor children.

Bryan

We Jump at a Crisis

2008-03-31T22:53:00.004-03:00

Did you see the story of the 2 1/2 year old falling down the well? In those 30 seconds that we all take our eyes off of our little ones, the terrible happened. The dad was working on something outside, the 2 1/2 year old follows a cat into the neighbors yard and falls though some old boards into a twenty feet deep well half filled with water. It gets worse.

The father hears the boy crying. Thank God for that annoyingly overstuffed jacket that kept the boy afloat in ten feet of water. In the process of clearing off the wood and cinder blocks that are covering the well, the dad drops a cinder block down which crashes on his poor boy's face. That would put anyone into despair!

Anyway he jumps in and climbs out with his son. At the hospital, the boy tells the doctor that his daddy is his hero.

When the crisis is on mostly all of us has what it takes to pull off even the extraordinary. What if we could see the crisis coming and avert it? I guess it is less heroic to be preventative. How often, though, are we living in those 30 seconds of not really paying attention to our children's activities, friends, passions, ambitions, etc...

If we had the same zeal for prevention that we have for heroics maybe we our stories would have less flare, but our lives would sure be more solid. In the mental element of relationships I mentioned studying our spouse and children, so that we know them. When we really know them, we can help them down the best path. Let's turn those 30 seconds of not paying attention to paying attention and learning about each other so we can stay on the right course- the course of blessing and protection and fruitfulness.

Bryan

Subliminal Messages From Our Children

2008-03-27T00:21:00.004-03:00

I needed a reminder. A promise was given that we could watch a movie the other night, but I was glued to my computer. There is always so many things to learn about on the web! The time went on and on.

A daughter would look through the door, sigh, then leave. A son would run in whining, "Dad, I want to watch a movie!" He always says that, so it was off my radar. Then one six year old sneaks in; I did not even realize she was behind me. A song began to come forth quiet and subtle first, then loud enough to really hear the words.

" I have the movie. I have the movie...that we want to watch...in my hands. I have the movie. I have the movie...that we want to watch...in my hands."

She really was saying, "Daddy, all our other attempts were failing, so I am just standing here waiting patiently reminding you that we need you."

I thought that it was pretty cute that she came with the sweet tactic. More than cute, it caught my attention and we turned on the movie.

Zip forward two days. Walking through hew kitchen I hear this bellowing noise in the corner. A son, hands stretched up the cabinet, in a fake cry, calling out for a piece of candy that's in a basket up high. I don't think he learned from the subliminal approach. After a short applause from me for the dramatics, I told him no.

What do our kids have to do to get our attention?
Should it be as hard for them as it is?

Bryan

They Still Touch My Life

2008-03-15T11:37:00.003-03:00

How much influence should my parents have on me now that I am 40?

You probably the saw the tribute that I did for my father who passed away in January. Losing a parent is a new experience for both my wife and me. Hopefully, we will not experience it again for a very long time.

Being away from our parents for over twenty years likely lessens their direct involvement in every part of our lives. There are those things that come to mind in different situations where internally we would ask, "What did Dad do in cases like this?" or "How did Mom fix this cake?"

Now that my father is gone I find that I think of his influence on my life all the more. When things happen I want to call him. It is like his influence has increased exponentially. Then I was browsing through CNN the other day and this article jumped out at me. It was about adults who are relieved when their parents die. At first I was shocked wondering how anyone could think this way. As my empathy returned, I was reminded that some people's relationship with their parents is not good- abusive, controlling, etc... I am thankful that I miss my Dad and am not relieved that he is gone.

For those who have had a parent die, do you find that their influence in your life has changed any? Please fill out the survey to the right so we can gain some insight.

Bryan

A return to lighter things in the next post- subliminal messages from our children.

A Tribute To My Father

2008-02-04T11:46:00.000-04:00

Today, my father was buried at FT. Leavenworth, KS. I could not be there today, but I was at his funeral on January 24 at his hometown church in Vernal, UT. Being thousands of miles away from family for the last twenty years has had its difficult moments, but this has to be the hardest yet.

I love my dad, and I know he loved me and my wife and our children. At the end of phone calls he would often say, "tell Dawn and .." (naming our seven children) "that I love them, and Jesus loves them too." I have always wanted more in relationship
with Dad, but I have no regrets about the relationship that we had.

In the last nine years he had been a passionate Christian. He would often say that God had given him compassion for people. Compassion was not on his agenda before meeting Christ. He would always be looking for opportunities to share Christ with others, and he wanted all the grace that God had to give.

Over the years I have noticed how much my hands looked like my dad's. When I was little his hands were big and strong, he was a man like I wanted to be. Now my hands are the big hands. I want my sons to notice them and desire to be a man like me. With God's help I will be the kind of example of a man that they need to see.

I thank God for my dad. He has been a source of inspiration, wisdom, and strength in our family. He was not perfect (who is?). He was real. As I met people in his church, the dad I knew got bigger. He was a blessing to many. He prayed for people, shared Christ with people, and challenged people in their Christian walk.

Life on this earth will not be the same for us without him, but when it's all been said and done we will rejoice together in heaven over the wonderful things God has done in our lives.

Coleman L Ayers
died 2008-01-19
Coleman Ayers, Man of God, husband, father, brother and grandfather passed away Saturday, Jan. 19, 2008. He was born May 3, 1940, in Idabel, Ok. to John Lee and Nettie May Ford Ayers. Coleman married Judy Jay in Lynwood, Calif., on Feb. 24, 1962; she remained by his side for 45 years.

Coleman served his country in the U.S. Army, infantry, and later retired from Lever Bros. The last nine years of his life were completely dedicated to the Lord Jesus Christ. The greatest desire of his life was to tell others about his new life. He constantly read God’s Word – The Bible. He was often blessing people by his words. He enjoyed worshiping God and listening to music that honored his Lord. He had been a member of The Gideon’s International and was on the National Prayer Center staff.

He is survived by wife, Judy; son, Bryan (Dawn) of Prince Edward Island, Canada; daughter, Barbara (Jonathan) of Olathe, Kan.; brothers, Robert (Diane) of New Port Richey, Fla.; Bobbie (Georgina) of Hesperia, Calif.; Tommie (Sharon) of Hesperia, Calif.; and 11 grandchildren.

Funeral services will take place Thursday, Jan. 24, at 2 p.m. at the World Vision Assembly of God (444 W. 400 N., Vernal). Friends and family may call Wednesday, Jan. 23, from 6 to 8 pm at the Thompson-Blackburn Vernal Mortuary and one hour prior to services. Burial will take place in Ft. Leavenworth, Kan.

I Did Fall Off The Face Of The Earth

2008-01-17T13:30:00.000-04:00

Wow, how time flies! I had some great posts for the Christmas season, but for some reason they never made it to the blog. Did you think that I had been distracted from the blog world forever? Did I really fall off of the earth? Obviously not. But since you have been so patient, I thought I would give you one of my brightest ideas for teaching patience to my children.

I love it when children begin to finally play with toys, although we always seem to give them toys that they are too young to know what to do. There is always the old standby toy- building blocks. My children might be different from everyone else's. It seems that whenever I try to impress them with a great tower of building blocks, all they want to do is tear it down. So let the training begin...

When one of our children consistently knocked my tower down I introduced the word "wait" with a simple hand gesture of stop in front of the tower. After a few seconds, I then would say, " OK, knock it down." (That was easier for them than the wait) Surprisingly, after a few minutes of practice they figured it out. A few sessions of this and they were pros at the "wait" & "knock it down."

At the dinner table, some time later, our hungry tot began to grunt and yell indicating that the process of getting the food to him was not fast enough. A few minutes of that can really make a meal painful. But I am not too slow, I remembered the wait game and began to implement it immediately. Did it work perfectly?

As hard as it is to wait a moment to knock down a tower, I have learned that food holds more power. You know like the commercial that says, "Behold the power of CHEESE!" It has not been as easy, but slowly there is progress. I can go the long haul as long as there is progress.

How do you teach patience? Share it here in the comments so we can all benefit.

Bryan

Life Takes a Turn for Zack and Beth

2007-12-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

Their hopes had been differed... forever, so they thought. Zack and Beth had dreamed of a family for years. Long past even their child bearing age, the thoughts of barrenness left them hollow like an empty cave. Today all of that would change. Today a miracle would be promised.

Zack goes about his regular tasks as a religious leader in the community, but on this day he is picked from all the others in his family line to be high priest which would be both privilege and foreboding at the same time. After the preparations, he enters the sacred area of the temple where he is ambushed by an angel of the Lord. The angel announces that his prayers have been heard and the answer is coming- a son.

This son will be the prophet of the Lord that is also being prepared to enter into the world of men. Like most humans, Zack wants to know how anything like this can happen, so the angel makes it so he cannot speak just to remind him of the power of God and His promise. The son does come- John the Baptist as we call him and their disgrace of barrenness is taken away.

Most people laugh when I tell them that there was a time that the doctor spoke of infertility to us, especially now that we have seven children. In those early days of our marriage we were untouched by tragedy or failings in life, but our dreams and plans came into question. We began to wonder does God remember us here?

I like it when the Bible describes people going on about their business in real life situations and then God steps into the picture. Some would say there comes a time to just move on; you're too old to have children now, find an alternative. It could be any situation in life, not only children. Dreams that we hold dear sometimes seem to never be realized, until God shows up.

Even as an old man this "hope for a child" still found its way into Zack's prayers, and the angel proclaimed, "Your prayer has been heard." Whatever your hope for your family: peaceful home, children, grandchildren, financial stability, healing, solid relationships- God hears your prayers. The answer is on the way.

What decorates your tree this year?

2007-12-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

We have gone through the cycle again- real tree, artificial tree, no tree, back to real tree again. Fortunately real trees cost less in Canada than in the US. Now is the time to get all the tree decorations out again. I have some that my mother saved from kindergarten! Dawn has one for nearly every Christmas since she was born.

We like the home-made decoration look. It is amazing to see how some trees are decorated so perfectly, like from a fancy department store; or others with that quaint country look. There are so many legends as to how the tree grew its way into Christmas tradition that I don't know which one is true. I do, however, see the picture of the Christmas tree as an example of our family characteristics. What decorates your "family" tree this year?

I love to take our children when they are small and turn all the house lights off leaving only the tree lights flashing. There is a wonder, a sort of dream-like trance that draws them (and me) in to a quiet stare. All over the tree are trinkets of awe, simplicity, joy, love, and peace. Our family has ornaments hanging on them too, but what kind?

A focused family is aware of the characteristics that they want to see lived out in the actions and reactions of their relationships. Criticism, anger, frustration, stress, confusion, power struggles, tantrums, fighting, selfishness, bitterness, and others like these sure can make your family tree drag the ground. In fact, it can make your tree look like the kind that has not been watered for several days. Who wants a family atmosphere that saps the life right out of you?

A family can be different. What do we dream family life to be like?

Love,
respect,
harmony, care,
nurture, peace, joy,
commitment, team-work,
purpose, and others like these
can make your family the kind that
everyone
wants to
be around.

It takes purpose and intention to make a difference. A Christmas tree can be lopsided and have holes in it and even too short or too tall, but with the right decorations the flaws fade away. How will you decorate this year?

Bryan

Will we ever really get to it?

2007-12-03T22:16:00.000-04:00

Why is it so hard to reach our relational dreams? We hope one day to be the perfect husband and father or wife and mother. We hope one day to finish our educational degree goals. We hope one year we can get all our Christmas cards out before Christmas. Sometimes our intentionality turns into hopes instead of the other way around. Intentionality means something being done by plan and purpose.

What do you want for your family? Maybe you're achieving it already. The rest of us are dreaming and scheming, but finding it alot of work to actually get moving on it. It all starts with defining the end.

What do we want our family to look like? What do we want to focus on? Why does marriage and family exist? If we can answer questions like that, then we are not far from getting off the bench and taking the team to victory.

A team has plans. A team has goals. A team is working towards perfecting their positions and performance. In sports just like relationships you cannot always predict what is coming next, but you learn to look for the signs. You learn from experience, and you get better.

If we just hope and dream for things to be better, but never do anything to change it will we find satisfaction in our relationships? I am a terrible procrastinator. Anyone who knows me well could probably tell you of a time that I missed something because I put it off too long. Now I am watching my children get as tall as me, and I am evaluating whether I have given them everything they need for a fruitful life. There are lots of important issues that my wife and I have covered, but what about the rest?

Are you just letting things happen as they come in your family? What is your family design? How do you know which way to go in life? Once we have the design, we see what we need to invest our time and resources. For instance how can I teach my family time management, team work, self-sacrifice, diligence, integrity, and a love for learning? Then, based on those values, we can begin activities that would benefit us in those ways. It's purposeful and intentional. It helps us get to it. Will you get to it?

Bryan

(Here is a "Round To It" from - http://www.kidsturncentral.com/roundtoit.htm )

Will It Ever End!

2007-11-26T16:27:00.001-04:00

Why can't our children just hurry and grow up? Why can't they learn to be respectful, have good manners, and be still when they are supposed to?

Child training seems to always have the connotation of method to it. You know, do these things and your child will respond by doing things the way you want them to. Different methods always sound right and seem to have the best approach, but I am thinking that there is more to the story.

"It's beginning to look alot like Christmas" so out come the dusty boxes of decorations for the house. It is mostly enjoyable because of the many memories wrapped up in the items of decor. One such, item is a Nativity set that my mother made for us years ago. We try to make the centerpiece of our living room as a constant reminder of the real reason for Christmas. It also seems to make it to the "I have to touch it!" list for each of our children in their young ages.

I asked my wife the other day if there ever will be a Christmas in which we are not having to tell a child "No" about touching the Nativity set. As I thought about what I had just said,the next thought came to my mind, "Will we ever have a meal where we are not training a child to throw food on the floor or to stay in their seat?"

WE THINK WE'RE SO SMART

I have had lots of stupid thoughts about raising children over the years. My first brilliant philosophy was that you should learn all there is to know about children while raising the first one, then you always know what to do for the rest of them. Obviously I figured out the fallacy of that not long after our second child was born. Another bad notion was that every child should be trained in a moment of teaching. I teach them the right way, and then they do it. It seemed like a fair idea.

I think it James Dobson I read years ago who said to relax, child training is a long process. I remember that off and on. I just thought of it again the other day. So here is my advice list about child training:

*Break down the big ideas into smaller ones, and take a step at a time

*Childishness is different than rebellion; let them be kids, in fact be a kid with them occasionally.

*Remember it's a process, made up of many moments

*One writer suggests to have some practice time of obedience training, not just
when correction is needed.

*Be the example of how one should behave- nothing teaches better than seeing
how it is to be done

*Lastly, remember children are a blessing not a curse. Treat them accordingly.

Bryan

Can I Live Up To What I Expect From My Children?

2007-11-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

Tonight I came home from work a little impatient for some reason. It is a normal Monday night- Dawn is going to Ladies Bible Study at seven, so I will try to manage the kids after dinner is cleaned up. Over a few small altercations, I begin to notice that my patience is thinner than I first realized.

Caleb is one year old, so I take him into a room where he can play with some toys, and I can avoid the bickering of the other kids. That lasts about five minutes because the others start taking their turns breaking into our euphoria to tattle on their siblings- You know, "Jonathan hit me with a pillow and bent my finger back!" Of course who was to know that Grace had been throwing the pillow at Jonathan while he was trying to vacuum the living room.

Anyway all these events lead to a showdown with an eight year old (the Clint Eastwood music would fit well here). "Why have you not brushed your teeth?" I ask in a very condemning and angry voice. After some lame excuses and a heated sermon from me, he goes to bed teary eyed. Somehow the victory lost it's appeal.

It boils down to this I expect my children to treat me with respect. I confess, I failed to respect him. A battle over a toothbrush. Yes it was also about obedience and respecting my authority, but did it have to come to that? We do have authority as parents, and by right we deserve a certain respect. There is however, a higher level of respect that comes when a child sees that they can trust even their feelings with you. Can we live up to the level of respect that we expect?

The Long Road Home

2007-11-05T21:00:00.000-04:00

Well, we made it home, and in not too bad of shape I might add. No vehicle troubles, no deer on the front bumper, and Chicago was a breeze this time! I even gave in to a little sight seeing on the way. I know that will make a little harder for all you other dads who like to press straight through with no fun on a trip.

The Wonder of Niagara Falls

It was only about 45 miles out of the way, so it was worth it. I had seen it 20 years ago, but for the life of me I could remember how to get down to actually view the Falls. I actually did stop for directions. I know I ruined it again for every dad who likes to pretend they are not lost.

School On The Road

We are a home-schooling family, so getting out of school was not a problem. I thought I would let you know how we reviewed a few subjects while VAN-schooling. First, there was a grammar lesson led by me. I challenged the family to come up with one sentenced where each word started with the same letter. In honor of Willie and Wanda from our church here in Canada I came up with: Willie winked wildly while walking with Wanda. Hannah creatively put together: Sarah sang songs so she said.

Next we tackled some math. How many dotted white lines in a mile?

We estimated 140 per mile, which means there were roughly 308,000 little white dotted lines on our round trip to Minnesota and back. I am sure that piece of information will come up on "Jeopardy" or "Who wants to be a Millionaire" someday, so remember that.

For some other travel with kids ideas check out MomsMinivan.

Meaning in Life

All of this to say that even in persevering through a long trip or going through some trial, we must continue to challenge each other to think, learn more about each other, and remind each other where this is all going. During some of the most tense times of the trip when the youngest ones were really finding it hard to be patient, Dawn would remind everyone that we were sacrificing our comfort and convenience to be a comfort to Grandma and Grandpa during their time of trial. Usually that worked it's magic to calm everyone down.

Life is about more than knowing. It is about knowing and applying what you know for the experience. Family is about "together" experience. I usually have to force myself to think hard for ways to make our experiences count for something in our relationship building. The Four Essentials of Relationships are archived here for more ideas of focused ways to to build family relationships.

Thanks for your prayers and concerns for Dawn's dad. Today he started radiation. It is a big trial, but he is positive, and it is another opportunity to grow closer together while watching God work.

Bryan

2,000 Miles To Go!

2007-10-26T17:17:00.000-03:00

Two weeks ago we decided to drive from Prince Edward Island to Minnesota- that is right at 2,000 miles! All nine of us packed into the van with one bag each for a three week trip.

Reason Enough For Such A Trip

My wife's father has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, an aggressive cancer with an aggressive treatment. We wanted to see him before the treatment works him over. We are having a good time in spite of the difficult situation. For all the times that our parents have wanted to fix our problems, now it is us as grown children trying to fix the parent's problem. We are here to stand along side them, be a distraction, and take in a few tractor rides too.

A Daring Ride

How does a family of nine survive 2,000 miles of sitting? Everyone in their seat belt- there's no exceptions. One meal taken in at our favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, every day. This trip had a hotel each night pool or no pool, breakfast or no breakfast; but one where we can all pile into one room. Yes, one room, several on the floor and five in the beds. If it gets too rowdy in the hotel, dad turns on the BORING golf channel to help everyone drift off to sleep. Sometimes we sang songs together to entertain the small ones. Sometimes the small ones cried out for us to return home, "It's too far! I want to go home!"

There were time that I wanted to scream too. My legs were getting stuck in the driving position. My back side was aching. On the outside I was a mature dad, but on the inside I was yelling, "Let me out of this van!" A few days left, and then we are off again for the 2,000 miles home. See you then!

Bryan

Real Family Life!

2007-10-08T20:30:00.000-03:00

This video says it better than most. No wonder it has nearly 1,000,000 views. Bedtime seems to be the time where anything is possible. The best tricks, schemes, and cons are pulled by children who are trying, at any cost, to stay out of bed. Someone should write a book about the "100 best ways to stall your parents at bedtime."

However, I've also experienced some of the best conversations with my children at bedtime. Having just the right question and taking the time (even thought it is our only time to think without interruptions from the children) can yield great insight into their world. Try it some night.

Don't forget to put questions in the comments asking your biggest question about what it means to be a Focused Family.

What is a Focused Family?

2007-10-01T16:54:00.000-03:00

The Focused Family might sound dangerously close to Focus on the Family, but I see it as a slightly different meaning. Focus on the Family makes me think of something from the outside looking in, whereas a Focused Family leans more to an agenda from within the family.

What does a focused family look like anyway? Well obviously, that is what this blog is endeavoring to define, but where are there some real life examples of such an animal? I was thinking the other day that we need some real life examples to help us in defining it and apply the examples for ourselves.

I think there would be some common threads in a focused family: values would be well defined, purpose and meaning to life would come to the front, and a plan or agenda would be in place to reach desired goals. I would like to make this a group project though. So for the next two weeks I would like to see you in the comments asking your biggest questions about what a "Focused Family" would look like. Questions like, "What do you consider top priority for your family?" or "How do you handle time management?" After that the hunt will be on to interview these families and share their stories here.

Will you join us in the quest? Get your biggest question in the comments and let's learn from the best how to make a difference from the inside of our families!

Seven Year Marriage ..........And Beyond

2007-09-25T10:37:00.000-03:00

A Seven Year Marriage Licence??????

Is this our culture influencing us or is it we that are affecting the culture? A politician in Germany is suggesting a seven year marriage licence. I am never one to say that just because we have always done it this we way, we should always continue to do it the same. However, there are some things that we must be able to count on. It is obvious that there are times in which marriages could dissolve- infidelity, unrelenting physical or emotional abuse, etc. The questions today seems more to be, "Why make marriage a 'till death do us part?' commitment and "Why be married at all?"

Does anyone see the crumbling of society here? Marriage to common law marriage to same sex unions and now same sex marriage. What the base of society is might be up for debate, but how we relate to each other in both the community and globally should be an agreeable point. How then do we relate to each other when the rules keep changing?

Where does the confusion stop?

I know that days gone by were not perfect, but at least we pretty much knew what to expect. It is not very politically correct, but I must say that God has given us some absolutes. "That is so archaic," you shout. Yes I know, from the beginning of time in fact. What we find though, is that if we could look at God's plan from Genesis and Ephesians and many other places we would notice the great wisdom that is found there. Everyone has a place. Everyone knows what expect. What about all the hypocrites? Not everyone is perfect, but there is mercy and forgiveness. How about a commitment that says, "I will be here for you no matter what!" We should really count the cost for what that really means.

I do not want to be a nag for those whose marriages did not work out. I do want to challenge us all, from right where we are to live the commitment in a real and forgiving and self-sacrificing way. Team work makes a big difference. How about a marriage that lasts till heaven, even if that goes beyond seven.

Is your family doomed?

2007-09-17T15:04:00.000-03:00

There are cases in the news everyday about divorce and abuse and relationships that seem to just snap. Spouses, that must be out of their minds, in a moment even take the life of their marriage partner. Is that all there is in this existence, or can we expect better?

There must be more

If I read the statistics right more than 50% of marriages will end in divorce. So we hear of the failures. Is there recovery from these relational traumas? Is there any hope? Of course there is we see many find a new spouse, and others find a new path as a couple. Healing can take place. Hope lives! It does not come automatically however.

New direction takes establishing a solid plan to overcome the difficulties. I would say that in order to make it to the deepest levels of relationship with our spouse or children or any other takes a plan as well. Do you ever find that if you are just existing that life will begin to push you in a direction like it or not? I can want this or that until time is no more, but to get at the goal I have to make a plan and then work the plan.

The Intentional Way

Being a "focused family" is about setting the goals and working to get there. I am not talking about the American dream goals of owning my own house, having 2.3 kids, a car for each of us, and a cabin by the lake. I am speaking of articulating what my relationships should look like and what values do I want to pass on to my children.

There are some great resources to help us with this. I would like to introduce you to Above Rubies. There are many items to help us in becoming a Focused Family. Much of their resources speak to women's issues, but there is lots for men as well. In speaking of a family turning around and become a Focused Family, be sure to read Still Married on their site.

The best relationships in life are worth the work!

Bryan

What does the MTV Teen Poll mean to us?

2007-09-10T15:26:00.000-03:00

Recently MTV and Associated Press released a report of a survey that they conducted with over one thousand teens, and there were some interesting answers. Twenty percent of the 13-17 year olds said that spending time with their family made them happy. That was the highest percentage of answers by the way. The next was spending time with friends at fifteen percent. What does that mean for us with families that have teens in them?

Either my teen thinks that way or they do not or they are somewhere in the middle about it. So I can study my teen and find out how they feel. Obviously, I do not mean following them around with a magnifying glass and detective hat. There is a parenting method that has been used by a few brave souls that might help is this case. It is a bit simplistic mind you, but it is free. You also must psyche yourself up for any possible reaction. It is called…………………………..no, I am not sure you are ready for this; maybe another post some other time. OK, just kidding. It is called CONVERSATION. You know the kind where you think of something that you would like to know, then you form it into a true question, not an accusation. Not in every case, but it has never failed in my experience that true questions can actually generate true responses, and therefore get a conversation going.

We might be surprised at how much our teens actually do like us, and like to share their thoughts and ideas with us. The other day there was a dad who just wanted to find out if the sex talk that they had a few years ago made any impact. He just decided to ask if his son’s thoughts and ides had changed any or if there were anymore questions. It took a little intuitive questioning (not yes or no answer questions), but he found that his son was quite open and willing to talk. Maybe we should just ask.

I believe that the report gives us some encouragement that we have not lost our teens. They are still interested. Let’s show some interest in them. Let’s talk to them and enjoy being around them.

Reasons Why I Like Having Seven Children

2007-09-03T15:01:00.000-03:00

1. I feel like a rock star coming home to a fan club yelling, "Daddy's home! Daddy's home!"

2. I get to share my meals which keeps me from getting too fat.

3. I never have to worry about loneliness.

4. I have lots of help for doing dishes, washing the van, weeding the garden, . . .

5. I get several hugs and "I love yous" a day

6. I get to see the world through several perspectives.

7. I have to get up and get going which keeps me from being too lazy.

8. I get many opportunities to laugh and smile every day because of things they say and do.

9. I have built in babysitters.

10. I get to try try again at the ways I did not do so well at parenting the first, second, third, or
fourth time.

Family in the Bible

2007-08-27T16:48:00.000-03:00

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:5-9 (NIV)

Well ... uh, what should be most important to our family's life? First off, it seems pretty clear that God requires worship. Worship is not merely Sunday morning sing a few songs, yawn through the sermon, and shake a few hands. Worship is how we focus and spend our lives each day (including Sunday church). It is what is on our minds and what's coming from our mouths as we "sit at home", "walk along the road", "lie down", and "get up." God is not satisfied to be in the hobby category.

Secondly, God knows we need reminders. So put reminders of Him all over the place. We have put verses around the house, to help us focus on whatever the verse addresses. Every time we see it, it sinks in a little deeper. So how can we help ourselves focus on Christ this week? Keep a Bible or Bible promises on the dining room table. Set the alarm for five minutes earlier, to remind us to pray. A friend of mine always prays for a certain missionary whenever he sees a certain kind of vehicle. How about changing the "slug bug" game into a verse-bug game. That means every time you see a Volkswagon Beetle you say a verse.

We probably could do less theologizing about God, and begin to more God in the everyday life. Leave a comment on how that works for your family.

Bryan

Taught AND Caught

2007-08-22T09:51:00.000-03:00

Why is it so difficult to share our faith with others? Whatever is most important in our lives for the day seems to be told to every friend that we can call, email, or talk to personally. Is our current relationship with Jesus equally as important as a great electronics sale at Wal-mart?

I have heard time and time again from parents, "We don't want to force our faith on our children. We just want them to catch it from our everyday lives." Hey, it is true that if it is not lived in everyday life it's not worth much, but without instruction can they really interpret every reason behind our actions? My oldest son is old enough to get a driver's license, but I'm thinking that he might not want to drive if I pressure him with instructing him in the car or making him go through Driver's Training........................................................NOT! We don't question school, part-time jobs, or driver's training. Oh, I remember why this is different; it's because it is a personal matter. Lots of things are personal matters. Without training in all things our children are left to the influence of the world. Look around, do we want our children "catching" things that the world is offering. There is all kinds of wisdom out there, and I'm not sure that a couple hours at church each week is enough to be a disciple.

Lots of places in the Bible speak of parents and even grandparents godly influence on children. Deuteronomy chapter 6 even says that we are to be talking of God's commands with our children as we sit, walk, and lie down. Teaching and experiencing the wonderful things of God together in all areas of life is what God has designed.

The intentional family observes God's working and interacts to help each other understand as much of God as we can. In doing this truth is caught and taught. Just try it. Spend some time this week talking to your children and/or spouse about what you are doing and why you are doing it, or summarize an experience with how the principles of the Bible apply to your activities.

Bryan

Together

2007-08-16T11:14:00.000-03:00

What comes to mind when you hear the word togetherness? I used to want to live in the mountains like a hermit, then I decided I never wanted to be alone. I realized in those moments that I would have to be married, and have a family instead of being the hermit. I believe I was about ten years old when I thought that through.

We can handle things so much better when there is someone to go with us. With a companion we can rejoice in the victories and have help in our trials. Even the Bible says two are better than one because if one falls the other is there to pick him up. Families are one of God's greatest plans for togetherness. They are not the only way, but the greatest!

In August of 2006 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. What a shock! I should not have been too shocked I guess. I hear that our warranties run out at 40. In the beginning of my cancer experience, I thought I was alone to fight my battle; it is my body after all. It didn't take long for me to understand that it affected many people and I was not alone to fight.

Dawn and our kids stood by as I had my ups and downs. We chose to openly share the details with them, so we could help them with their thoughts and reactions. One of the kids asked if I was going to die after my next treatment. They prayed for me, hugged me, made me many pictures, and told me they loved me.

Dawn gave me lots of rest, guarded my diet, cried with me, urged me to get up and get going, sat with during treatments, and prayed for me too. Of the 20 years we have been married this was the greatest test of our relationship. Dawn proved to have the grace of God in her life to be all that I needed and more.

I had a dream early in the cancer experience. I was in a school bus being chased by a guy that was also driving a school bus. There was a dirt road through the woods next to the paved road and I thought I could lose him on the dirt road. Sure enough I looked back and the guy chasing me had become stuck. However my bus broke down just before I got to the paved road. I woke and asked God what that was supposed to mean. God spoke to me saying that the disease that was after me could not come any further, but I was not out of the woods yet. I laughed thinking that was pretty funny.

What I did not realize was that although I felt so alone, the woods were really full of people. My family, extended family, friends, church family, doctors and nurses were all there in the woods with me. God gave me such great encouragement through so many. So with others, together we make it through the victories and trials of life.

The video at the side is a memory of some of the people that helped me through my cancer experience, but not all. My children, wife, our parents, friends who shaved their heads with me, people from our community and all over giving us love offerings, and those who drove me to the hospital. I thank God that I was not alone.

Where Does the Time Go?

2007-08-04T22:45:00.000-03:00

We spent some great days on vacation last week. We live on Prince Edward Island in Canada, so we had to fight numerous tourists for a campsite in Cavendish the hometown of L. M. Montgomery who wrote Anne of Green Gables. These pictures are some of the opportunities that we made with our kids this last week.

While we were getting ready to go, I told Dawn how I need to just take the time with Jonathan, Luke, and Benjamin to do more "guy" stuff together. When Jonathan was young I kept thinking I cannot wait until he is older so we can do this or that. Now that he is older, we have the younger ones to adapt much of our activity to. But in a few short years Jonathan will be out of the house pursuing God's plans for himself and we will no longer be together as we are now. Time is short, we must make opportunities. In most of the pictures of the kids, he stayed back out of it. I asked him, "Are these days that you begin to disappear from the family pictures?" I think it was a reality moment for us both.

Bryan

Comments

2007-07-29T00:43:00.000-03:00

Since it took me a while to figure out how to get the comments posted, I thought I would just give you a few of them that have come in:

Hi Brian,

I really appreciated your post. Yes #6 and your comments about it really do hit the target. They don't want an just a good example of a dad - they want dad. Anyway, God Bless Brother.

Andy- Prince Edward Island

Hello Bro!

Enjoyed the blog. Great idea. Great writing. I also enjoyed going into your Church's website. Great website. Keep up the good work, my friend.

Bill- Arizona

I love what your doing, its what I am going through right now with my family and kids. Your blog is great.

Eric- Georgia

Ten Commandments of Parenting

2007-07-19T22:37:00.000-03:00

This came from a Sunday School take home paper at church.

1. Think before you speak.

2. Listen to what the children have to say.

3. Discipline lovingly and justly with the goal of teaching.

4. Praise your children often.

5. Support your child through the good and bad.

6 Put your child's well-being before your job or anything else that can get
in the way.

7. Be an example worth copying.

8. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

9. Help your child reach their full potential.

10. Point your child to Jesus and pray for him / her often during the day.

This Sunday I will be preaching from Ephesians about family relationships. There is an interesting verse just before the "wives submit to your husbands" part which all of us husbands love to quote. Ephesians 5:21 says to submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord.

Commandment #6 above has sparked in me because lately my children have been making comments like, "I know Dad is helping alot of people but..." But the problem is they want ME, not just an example of someone who is ministering to others.

Submitting to others also means that I realize that one of my family's needs is ME, and I submit to that need by making them a top priority. I am not saying that everything else is thrown completely out. Everything must have its proper order and balance. Family is one of the things God created me for; I should be doing my best for them out of reverence to God.

Bryan

Ways children make us proud

2007-07-16T22:09:00.000-03:00

There is one thing better than catching your own children doing something right, and that is someone else catching them and telling you about it! It seems so easy for us to notice every wrong thing and scold them for it. We have all read lots about praising their every good effort, so they can see that we are pleased with them as well.

So, Sunday afternoon Luke tells Dawn that he helped Miss Eva clean up the room after Sunday School. Dawn asked him if Miss Eva asked him to help, and he said that she did not ask, he just wanted to help. Today I was talking to Eva and she tells me how helpful Luke was after Sunday School. Well, I probably do not have to tell you that I was more than proud.

Dawn has recently been going through a book with the kids called Getting Rid of the Whining and Complaining in You and Your Kids. It is really about honoring each other in the family and others as well. It was a perfect chance for Dawn to reinforce how pleased she was with him for honoring another.

How else can we show honor for the people in our families? We can do things like make a bed or leave a note anonymously. How about telling the whole family how proud we are of one of them? Do not forget to do that for each one along the way. Leave a comment of ways you have been honored or how you have honored another, so we can all do better.

Next time I want to share a list of TEN COMMANDMENTS for parents.

Blessings
Bryan

Confessions

2007-07-16T10:09:00.000-03:00

I just thought that I would confess something to you. It' is easy in cyberspace to always put your best forward which can begin to look like we never have any issues that need working on. I confess that I began this blog to help me identify the needs in my own life and family. It seems that I have always been one to want to share my journey with others in order to figure out my journey.

Anyway my prayer is that along the way, as I find God teaching me, that someone else might gain something too. We are not so different you and I, and our journeys run parallel, sometimes our paths will cross. I thank God for our connections with you. I must also confess that I need you too.

Please feel free to email me at the address at the top with ideas about being intentional in your family relationships. You can also subscribe at the bottom of these posts so these posts will go straight to your email inbox. Lastly, comment on the posts if you have additional thoughts, so we can all gain from each other's experiences.

Blessings,
Bryan

The Needs of Others

2007-07-09T12:47:00.000-03:00

Character building in our children should be pretty high on the priority list for a focused family. Character is; however, one of those things that cannot be taught merely from a textbook. For our children to gain godly character they must see it in others.

They might see it in a Sunday School teacher or someone else at church. It might be picked up from a neighbor or family friend. But the people they live with are the ones that they hear the words and see the actions day in and day out. One of the challenges of homeschooling is that our children are home with us most of the time. What that means is if I misrepresent something to someone, the children take note. If I am lazy, guess who else becomes slow? You will notice that I am saying if because none of us are ever these things, right? Let's say that they catch us doing something good.

I'll give credit to Dawn for this one because I know that she is constantly speaking of the needs of others. I'll give credit to God as well because I see Him at work in the lives of my children. Here is the real story that I want to tell.

Through some friends at church we learned that a young lady in another community was struggling with a brain tumor. This was going on the same time that I was going through chemotherapy, so we it hit a little closer to home than usual. She and her husband have, I think, two small girls as well. Once we found out about this family, we began to pray for them at meal times. Over time there was no hope given for recovery, and then the young mother passed away.

Our prayers have changed now for their family. Grace, at five, still prays for the girls. Our oldest girls Abigail and Hannah recently chose to go beyond. It is OK to be proud of our children isn't it? The girls the other day gave two gift bags to our friend at church to give to the girls who lost their mother. As they showed me the bags the other day, I thought of character. Is character really worth much without action? When caring takes action it begins to minister to another. It touches a life. It says, "you are not alone."

God cared enough for the lost human race that He did something about it. What if He just would have sat in heaven and said, "What a pity for all those poor lost souls"? God's character is active and obvious. How do you measure character?

Bryan

How Did We Survive The Day?

2007-06-27T22:29:00.000-03:00

A week and a day ago I had a procedure to remove a medical device. I have learned that it is called an operation if they put you to sleep, and a procedure if they give you needles to "freeze" the area so they can "operate" while you are awake! Anyway, I am mostly recovered from my procedure, then my wife has an operation to remove her gall bladder last Monday. So I am home to try to manage the house letting my wife rest.

Wednesday we were awakened by our three year old, Benjamin, in our bed mumbling something crazy. Dawn, my wife, informs me that he has a fever; thus the mumbling something crazy. Trying to keep up with the "letting my dear wife rest thing," I get the Motrin for fever. There, our early morning glitch solved.

A little later Luke, our eight year old, is checking the trash cans as part of his chores. Dawn calls to me from the hallway, "Luke just threw up on the bathroom floor." Too bad he was so close to the toilet and had to get it on the floor. Now someone has to clean the floor. I guess I forgot to mention that I had been holding Caleb, our eight month old, for two hours by this time. So Caleb goes to Abby, our twelve year old, while I mop up the bathroom floor.

Sick time at our house usually translates into movie time because you cannot go outside or anything else. Down on the couch, Benjamin is moaning about his stomach, then he erupts. He was holding a bucket in his hands mind you. I guess because he is three, I end up changing his shirt and shorts, then I have to scrub the couch too.

Grace, our five year old, is talking about her stomach hurting now, but after mentioning that sick kids do not get to go to the special kid's event at church today she zips her lips. After thirty minutes at the church event she comes home with puke decorating her shirt, arms, and face. Apparently her stomach did hurt earlier.

Our TV room looks more like a campsite now, but the kids are all in bed. Hey, I am no slouch though. I did manage to get lunch and dinner. OK, half the kids did not eat since they are sick. But taking care of half and feeding half should count for something, plus my wife still got to rest more than normal. Point is....... we survived the day! In fact I am even laughing some as I write all this out. I have read many times that it is important to keep your humor. Thank you God for the blessing of humor.

The Four Essentials of Relationship- Emotional part 2

2007-06-27T12:02:00.000-03:00

Love is a great motivator. We read in the Bible where even God, motivated by love, sent Jesus to earth. Jesus on earth, because of His love for humanity, surrenders to God’s plan of dying on the cross for sins that we were guilty of. John 3:16 has been probably one of the most familiar verses ever. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should never parish, but have everlasting life.” Even God is motivated by love.

LOVE MOTIVATES

We know that love is a feeling, but we also realize it as a choice. If we are honest we would admit that the feelings of love fluctuate some along the way, but our choice to love someone holds us steady in relationship.
Because of love we choose to act and react certain ways toward the ones we love. I have friends that I love; I give them more of my time than people that I am just friendly with. I have family that I love more than my friends, and I treat them differently as well. Incidentally, I have been told that God gives you friends to apologize for the family He gave you. That is not my experience, but I do have friends that I love as family.

LOVE IN ACTION

Love needs many words to describe how it is to be lived out. It can be labeled as “devotion” to someone which means loyalty. We can use the word “honor” which speaks of respecting another and giving them priority in our life. “Sharing” with others is a sign of love. It is means allowing others the benefits of my belongings. We often think of “hospitality” as having someone over for dinner, but in its broader sense it means being ready and generous in our reception of others. We partner up with those we love being responsible to take care of our responsibilities and allowing others their input as well. That is called living in harmony. In 1 Corinthians 13 of the Bible there is a whole paragraph listed of what love is and is not.

It is easy to be selfish, which is loving ourselves more than others. But again love for others motivates us to think of others first. Because I love my wife I consider her needs over my own, and how I might help create an atmosphere where she can be a success in life. Because I love my family I work at work and I am at home when I am at home. Because I love my children I work to understand what they need me to be while at home, and then plan to fulfill that. I might be tired, but they want to play soccer in the backyard. I might be tired of communicating with other people all day, but they need me to listen. Friends might call and need me for something; how ready am I to respond?

We need each other in so many ways; one way is emotional support. How does being around me build others up? When people have been near me, do they go away feeling belittled or beaten down or discouraged? It is proper at the right time to bring direction or maybe some uncomfortable challenge. Dare I say that any situation can be approached lovingly, so that people would still be sure of our love for them no matter how uncomfortable the situation is that had to be addressed. I don’t mean a pansy approach. I mean a solid approach that tells the truth, but there is never a question of how much we care.

Find other great family helps at: Family Helps

The Four Essentials of Relationship- Emotional part 1

2007-06-22T10:44:00.000-03:00

In thinking of the emotional essential to relationships for our families in particular, we can not help but realize that there are so many emotions involved. Security, fear, self-esteem, frustration, acceptance, as well as love are just some that come to mind. I’d like to focus on love because with love as a motivator we can press on to positives and overcome the negatives.

THE OVERCOMING EMOTION

We rely on people for so much. In my family of nine, including my wife and me, if some one does not do their part of household chores it causes problems on multiple levels. Since we are human and in the maturing process, there are lots of occasions for us to let each other down. The choice is ours; however, as to how we will react.
I can and have added to the problem by reacting selfishly. Because I love my wife and children desperately, I should want to lovingly react to all situations. Well I do want to. Perhaps if we really stopped to think about how to react before we actually do, then we would not have so many regrets about our words.

THE SAFE PLACE

Maybe we could plan to be the safest person in the house. That does not mean that we never discipline or correct our children. It does not mean that we never disagree with our spouse. It does mean that, in the midst of doing those things, we are able to act and communicate in a loving way. It does mean that there is no doubt that our love is helping us to do our best at the appropriate time in the most beneficial ways and our family feels blessed.

Next time we will look at actions and attitudes that communicate love.

Find other great family helps at:Family Helps

The Four Essentials of Relationship- Spiritual part 2

2007-06-12T11:46:00.000-03:00

The other essentials of relationships: emotional, mental, and physical; may be a little easier to operate in than the spiritual. The spiritual can have a much greater impact though. History is filled with people who worked together spiritually and accomplished great things. When families especially include spiritual activities to their relationships impact can go on through generations.

SPIRITUAL CONNECTION

The difference between the spiritual element and the others is that it no longer is only in the human realm; now we are including God. He has big interest in our lives, in our relationships, in our destinies. I believe that the spiritual element is in the deepest level of our person.

A PRACTICAL PLAN

We can begin giving God time by praying which includes talking and listening. What are we listening for? The Bible tells us that God does speak to our minds often in a still small voice. To some that is a freaky thought! It is reality; however, that the God who created us can speak to us. He also gave us the Bible. It is God’s history that speaks to us of His thoughts, plans, and expectations. We also find how He acts and reacts to people. God will also use others to speak to us. They may have more spiritual experience and insight or maybe He cannot get through to us because we are not listening. This points us to the importance of being with other believers who gather together in church for example.

Here’s a practical list of ways to relate spiritually to others:

-Keep your own relationship with Christ warm.

-With your family: regular prayer for God’s hand and guidance for the day, pray for others at meals, pray with each other for individual needs. Pray with spouse for family concerns and for each other.

-Co-workers, friends much the same.

-Learn passages together.

-Read Bible together at meals

-Let others see and know why you do what you do that might be different.

If you can think of any other ways list them in the comment section. Thanks!

How is your relationship (not religion) with Christ going?
How often are you with God’s people?
How often is your spiritual life part of a conversation?

Imagine if we began to include God not only into our own life, but also into our relationships as well. There is nothing like knowing and loving Jesus, except knowing and loving Him alongside another believer.

Find other great family helps at: Family Helps

The Four Essentials of Relationship- Spiritual part 1

2007-05-30T16:58:00.000-03:00

The spiritual element of family relationships is not merely a “good spirited” relationship or being “kindred spirits” with another. It comes from our true spiritual nature. We are created as spiritual creatures. However, with that in mind, we realize from the Bible that without the renewing of our spirit from Jesus Christ we are spiritually dead.

SPIRITUALLY ALIVE

This is one of the human essentials that we often struggle the most with for many reasons. There are many interpretations on what it means to be “spiritual.” I literally just take it from the Bible. The book of the everlasting God comes to us through thousands of years of history, and experientially through millions of people. I know that there are many questions about the truth of the Bible, but let’s leave it at that. Let’s save that for another discussion.

If we are not living spiritually alive then we cannot connect spiritually with others either. Our relationship to Jesus Christ is foundational here. Our selfish nature and breaking God’s laws separate us from Him. Jesus died in our place because the penalty for sin is death. In our coming to Jesus for forgiveness of sin, acknowledging His death as payment for our sin, and turning our lives from selfishness to living His ways; we find freedom from the guilt and punishment that would have been ours. Now we are alive spiritually, born again.

A TRUE ESSENTIAL

Without being alive spiritually we are missing something both in ourselves and relationally. There is an added dimension when we are able to include God in our relationships. In our marriages and in parenting it is the elements of Godly wisdom, eternal truth, and empowerment for life. The Bible says that where the Spirit of God is there is help and hope. Think about our family situations: marriage misunderstandings, parenting inadequacies, not to mention critical situations that come up periodically. We can only meet these things in the power of God if we are alive to the power of God. We can only relate to others spiritually if we are in relationship with Jesus Christ ourselves.

Next time we will discover the exciting life of relating spiritually with our family members as well as others.

Find other great family helps at:
Family Helps

Four Essentials of relationships- Mental part 2

2007-05-23T18:44:00.001-03:00

The mental part to family relationships is three-fold. For one it is the input that I gather as I study another person. Covered in the last entry were the questions to ask yourself to gather such insight.

OUR THOUGHTS ARE ONLY HELPFUL IF THEY CAN BE READ

The second element is what information that I give about myself. The more I trust my spouse or brother or parent or friend; the more I am willing to be transparent. Too many have shorted their closest relationships by not divulging enough. If we keep our perspectives and ideologies inside we are not giving much help to those who are trying to be relational with us. No wonder people freak out after two months of marriage saying, “This is not the person that I married!” This is not all intentional at this point, but it can be.

TAKE THE CHALLENGE

There is another application to mentally relating- thinking together. I have some advantage in this area, although I do not always maximize it. We homeschool our children, so nearly everyday there are opportunities to do some problem solving or discovering how something works. Just today, my oldest son and I analyzed poetry and learned some new principles of algebra. It is about putting our brains together to accomplish the goal. Again, be intentional. Take advantage as usable situations arise, but do not always wait for one. Create some thinking moments. Anything that we can accomplish together brings us closer.

You try it!
· Ask “how would we build a house?”
· Mentally fix the world’s hunger problem.
· Put a puzzle together.
· Figure out how much money it takes per mile to drive to grandmas.
· Calculate how old each family member is in minutes.

Focus your attention on your family relationships today. How can we know each other better, and how can a mental challenge bring you closer.Next time we will look at how spirituality counts in building our relationships.

Find other great family helps at:http://www.olearynazarene.com/

The Four Essentials of Relationship- Mental part 1

2007-05-21T16:27:00.000-03:00

I have heard many people use the phrase, "God gave us gray matter for a reason." The point is that God did make us with a brain to use for solving problems, discerning situations, and even to build on new ideas. How does this work in relationships?

We need to be constantly searching out truth. There are so many things that are important to know. Many truths are necessary to know. We could needlessly be suffering through any number of difficulties because we just don't know what to do about it. Because we do not know everything about those who come close to us, it is easy to make judgements based only on the small amount of information that we do know.

We have acquaintances that we are friendly to, but stay only at the friendly level. They are not like those who get really close to us, who we begin to trust on a deeper level. Closest of all are those, like our spouses, that we strive not only to be completely transparent, but to really know them as well. On any of these levels, we can apply this mental or intellectual part of relating to others.

BECOME A STUDENT OF YOUR FAMILY

Think of the most important relationships that you have, and begin to study them. What do they like to do? What do they never want to do? What would they most likely pick to eat if they had a choice? When will they just jump in to a conversation, and when will they walk away? How do they react to arguments? All of this and more gives us great insight to people. You can probably answer these questions easily. The question is are you applying what you know.

The Focused Family, remember, is made up of people who are intentional about their relationships. Then my question to you is what are you doing with the information that you have to enhance your relationships?

Next time we will look at relating mentally and ways to exercise intellectually with others.

Find other great family helps at:
http://www.olearynazarene.com/

Four Essentials of Relationships-Physical part 2

2007-05-14T10:11:00.000-03:00

In the last post about the physical part of our relationships, we saw that how we are doing physically will effect how we relate to others. Now we want to look at how touching others effects our relationships.

First of, we all know that there is a right and wrong kind of touch. The wrong kind is always selfishly motivated, and will in time bring destruction to our relationship. It will also cause destructive habits in the other person. We often think of these as being abusive contacts with others, whether it be sexual or violence to another. That subject is a whole different ball game. For now let's think of how touch affects us positively.

What does it say when we are lonely, and someone puts their hand on our shoulder? It says, "I am here for you." How about when the game is won and the high fives slap in the air? It says, "We did it together!" How about when you are sick or hurt and someone rubs your arm? That says, "You will be alright." They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. I wonder how many words are spoken through touch?

WE CONNECT PHYSICALLY

Touch is connection. A connection beyond words. A hand shake, a hug, a kiss, a slap on the back all connect with the one receiving it. Human babies have been observed to have lots more difficulty thriving if they have not been touched. During my six months of chemotherapy, I was instructed by the doctor to not be touching people or shopping carts or door knobs if at all possible b ecause of immune system deficiencies. Well, I am a pastor, accustomed to shaking hands at the door every Sunday. Tlak about lack of contact for a real contact guy. I was miserable, and felt out of thouch for most of that time. Thankfully I am back at it, and enjoying the benefits.

YOU TRY IT

Here's the first experiment for your relationships. In wanting to relate effectively with my family, I have begun to touch them more. When my kids walk by now, I poke their ribs or give them a hug. When I visit people or talk to them at church, I touch their arm or shake their hand and hold it just a second beyond the norm. With other children, I have been kneeling at their eye level to shake their hands or rub their hair. What are the results? Smiles and more smiles. I am ashamed to say, especially from my own children, the reaction has been like I might have been blowing it before by not connecting with them by enough touch. Touching people has created a warmth for relationship; it has opened the doors for greater connection.

Let's add another element to the physical here. Try even DOING physical activity together with somesone. Take a walk, lift weights, play soccer or football, wrestle, go bowling, do something physical with your family. In doing this your family will think you are the coolest thing next to Nintendo!

Next time we will discover mental essentials of relationships.

Four Essentials of Relationships-Physical part1

2007-05-07T11:36:00.000-03:00

We are, as humans, made up of four essential parts- physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. In trying to think of how I can best relate to my family, I began to realize that if I can touch their lives in each of these areas on a regular basis our relationship will be balanced and thourough.

So where to begin. First of all, let's get some background to what these mean, and then we can apply them properly. We don't want to merely theorize. We want to live it!

WE ARE PHYSICAL CREATURES

First essential we will look at is PHYSICAL. It is pretty obvious that we are physical beings. Just give a pinch to your arm. Ouch! You are a physical creature.

There are many things physical that can affect our relationships, not only in our family, but with others as well. If we are sleepy, sick, worn out, injured, or physically challenged it will affect our attitudes and abilities to relate. I just finished six months of chemotherapy in February of 2007. Every week of treatment, I was not fun to be around. Those physical ailments made it a challenge to keep being a relational Dad to my seven children. If you observe your life, you can probably see when physical conditions have hampered your relationships. We need to learn to adapt or overcome these conditions so that we can optimize our relationships. The Focused Family makes relationships the priroity.

Next time we will look at how physical touch speaks volumes in relating to another.

Check out some more Family Helps at http://www.olearynazarene.com/.